A clergyman was walking down a country lane when he saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the minister. “Why don’t you rest a minute, and then I’ll give you a hand.”
“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t like it.”
“Don’t be silly,” the cleric said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a bottle of water.”
Again, the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him, and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”
A Sunday school teacher asked his class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”
“No!” the children replied.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Again the answer was “No!”
“If I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, would that get me into heaven?”
Once again they all shouted “No!”
“Well then,” he continued, thinking to himself that the Sunday school class was a bit more theologically advanced than he had given them credit for, “how can I get into heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted from the back of the room, “You gotta be dead!”
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
“What’s that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants’ pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later, he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?”
“Your horse called.”
While I was sitting in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk to check in, the man sat there alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with the man, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on top of the man’s, he said: “I know how you feel. My mother makes me ride in the stroller too!”
John was out bicycling one day with his eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn. He got a little wistful. “In ten years,” he said. “you’ll want to be out with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”
Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years, you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway!” she said.
My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old grandson to climb in, throw the car into reverse, and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn’t. When I called the insurance company, I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel. After a pause, the adjuster asked, “Do you let him drive often?”
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Adam, were sitting together in church. Adam giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church,” she said.
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” asked Adam.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two big guys in the suits standing by the door? They’re hushers!”
One night, a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked, “What is the Gross National Product?”
The little boy pondered for a few minutes and then replied “Spinach? Broccoli?”
John, an instructor in driver education at the local High School, learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day, John had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student completed his time, John asked him to change places with one of the other students.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
