Penny pinching for dummies

Nothing in life is free. That’s a true enough statement, isn’t it? If you don’t pay with dollars, you pay with the rest of your life. You ever borrow money from a family member? That’s fun.

However, there is one thing in life that’s free: found money.

Of course, we have to define “found money” first. Found money is money that has no indication of where it came from. It’s not in a wallet or purse (which are totally different scenarios) or a money bag with the bank’s information stamped on it (a completely different scenario). And it’s not such a large sum that you may have to report the find to the authorities. And, no, money you saw fall out of someone’s pocket doesn’t count either. Found money is also not money that was or is yours. You didn’t find it in the pocket of a winter coat, in your couch cushions, under the driver’s seat in your car, or in the wash (although, my mother made a good supplementary income from the latter for years). Basically, found money is loose and lonely bills or change circulating only by wind or rain. And found money is free.

A few weeks after I turned 30, I found a dollar bill on the ground. Major find! As, at the time (and for about the decade leading up), I didn’t, as my father likes to say, have two nickels to rub together. I never found paper money on the ground either. Coming out of a bowling alley with my sister, I found an FBI agent’s badge when I was kid—THRILLING—but there was no money with it. And, as I found, authorities don’t offer rewards for lost items, despite what their posters say.

I pocketed the dollar quickly, before the wind took it, half-expecting someone to say, “Hey, that’s mine.”

When I got home, I looked at the dollar. It was minted in 2006 and was the easiest money I ever made. It was free. And that gave me an idea. I planned to start saving any free money I found to see how much it would amount to. I had no timeframe for this experiment other than the vague idea that I would keep it up the rest of my life!

As of now, I have found a total of $2.24. And remember, one dollar of that was found in one find. One dollar bill, three quarters, one dime, five nickels, and 14 pennies is what I’ve stumbled across in almost three years. That’s about $.75 per year. What a living! If this was my way of saving up for a nest egg and I retired at 65, I’d have $24 to live the rest of my life on. Not bad for 2,000 years ago!

I’m sorry to say that I’ve become quite cynical over the years and would say that this fortune is about what I expected, proving with doubt that nothing of any real value in life is free. And found money hardly counts, because it’s about as resilient to adding up as your accounts at tax time.

I thought this until at a recent family get-together I told my brother that I saved free money to see how much (or little) it added up to. I even presented him with a shiny nickel I found just on the way over to support my claim that you can’t find much.

My brother looked at me, a little astonished, and then proceeded to tell me that in the years he’s been looking for free money, he’s found more than $3,000, claiming that he’s found a couple hundred in one find a couple different times!

At my rate, it would take me 4,000 years to find $3,000!

“You’re looking in the wrong places,” said my brother and explained you can find about $9 when snow piles that had been plowed thaw and melt, and a small fortune at toll booths, if you only open your door and lean out. I knew the latter, but I have I-Pass and haven’t driven through a coin-operated toll booth recently.

Regardless, I was still astonished at my brother’s luck and considered him just that, lucky. I told myself that it didn’t happen for everyone and that surely the rate at which I find money is more normal. But my sister-in-law (the wife of my other brother) dispelled that right away when, overhearing the conversation, she told me my other brother has also found a bit of a small fortune.

I couldn’t believe it. Both my brothers, who are both much more successful in life, are raking in thousands in free money, and here I am scraping by on pennies. Talk about bad luck!

But then my sister-in-law told me the secret to my brother’s success.

“He walks with his head down,” she joked. Then added, “See, I don’t. I walk with my head up and don’t find anything. Of course, I’m always the one who steps in $!#@.”

Me too.

Until next edition, I bid you Happy Trails and good fortune at your feet. Just be mindful of the other stuff, if you’re not watching where you’re going.

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