October is definitely the scary story month of the year. Gray clouds billow in, darkness settles on us, leafless tree branches scrape against our windows at night, and foliage dies, leaving behind its scraggly inner remnants.
For all this, though, October is my favorite month of the year. And I like a good flashlight-under-the-face, campfire scary story as much as the next. But the pop-into-your-everyday-life fears, I don’t like so much.
When I was in high school, I used to wear a hat that said NO FEAR in jagged letters over the bill. Although it was just a brand name for extreme sports apparel, I think maybe I took it too seriously. Like many teenagers, I thought I was invincible and indestructible. And every time I didn’t die doing something stupid only proved this dangerous notion.
Today, I’m married and run a business and, oh yeah, I’m 33. Needless to say, I fear plenty. But most of my wildest fears are hardly ever realized. What are realized are tiny ones, those little phobias that would drive us mad if we had to live with them on a daily basis and run from like they may poison our souls.
For me, they are both ridiculous and semiserious. And some say that telling them to people makes the fear a little less. I’m going to test drive that now and see how I feel when I’m done.
Things I fear:
Molasses – The taste almost puts me in a coma.
The feel of wallpaper – I’m actually partial to nice wallpaper, but if I were to run my palm across it, to quote teenage girls all across America, I think I’d just die.
Deep sea fish
Flying – Weird thing is I’m not afraid of heights.
The inside of walls – This sounds totally bonkers, I know, but what I mean is the inside of walls in houses from the 20s.
Long periods of time – This one I’m serious about and realize it needs some explaining. What I mean is the passage of long periods of time, like when a character in a Sci-Fi movie goes to sleep and wakes up 400 years later. My fear about this increases with the length of time, too. I once watched a movie where a spaceship crew woke after 1,000 years of being cryogenically frozen and didn’t know that much time passed. It spooked me for days, couldn’t shake the feeling.
Deep space – Which doesn’t matter a darn because if I found myself orbiting just outside the earth would I be less screwed than if I was 4,000 light years away? What am I doing in space anyway, and how did I get there?
Arguments with my wife – She’s merciless.
Teletubbies – Creator Simon Cowell should be ashamed of himself. Is it just me, or are those things brainwashing our children.
Bad jokes
Baseball – WHAT? That’s right. America’s favorite pastime scares the bejeezes out of me. I think it’s one of the most dangerous sports out there. It’s a game where a small, hard ball travels upwards of 110 mph past your head. That’s not a sport, that’s brain damage waiting to happen.
Sewer caps – Not sewer caps themselves but standing on them. I know something is going to snake its slimy fingers up from under there and pull me down. Perhaps the clown from “It.”
Sewing – My wife sews, and I can barely be in the room when she’s doing it. I see the sewing machine suck her fingers under the needle and put thread through her hand. Not to mention, sewing implements look like torture tools for mice.
So, let’s see, I don’t feel any better, but I may try a gingerbread cookie (which uses molasses). Or maybe not. I fear gingerbread men.
