1. I would eliminate child-proof caps on medicine bottles. Who can open them? Kids can. Who canāt open them? Me! Iām tired of waiting for the neighborās grandchildren to visit so I can ask them to open my prescription bottle.
2. I would make Metamucil thicken up a bit more slowly. That stuff sets up so fast, by the time Iām ready to pour the vodka in, itās too late. I end up shoving a butter knife into the glass and putting the whole concoction in the freezer. Later, I can enjoy Metamucicles. I was thinking I might set up a Metamucicle stand at the fountain next summer.
3. I would forbid eyeglass makers to use those itsy, bitsy screws. Whose sick idea was that? Letās walk through this. You get eyeglasses so you can see. You have to remove the eyeglasses to do any sort of repair like tighten those stupid little screws. Does anyone else see the problem here? Well, I would fix that. All those itsy, bitsy screws would be replaced with perfectly sensible wing nuts. It may not be as fashion forward, but it would certainly be practical.
4. I would change the building codes in this country. All toilet paper holders would be placed where you can comfortably reach them. No explanation needed.
5. I would adjust the timer on traffic signals. One in particular comes to mind. Unless this has changed, by the time this goes to print, there is a downright evil little signal at the corner of Route 47 & Jim Dhamer Drive. Have you ever been driving north on 47 and tried turning left onto Dhamer? Have you ever been the first one in line for that signal to change in your favor? Good grief! You gotta be on the ball to make it around that corner. That is the fastest light change I have ever experienced. You better be paying attention and have your foot on that pedal the very second it turns green or the drivers behind you are going to be leaning on their horns. This brings me to the next thing I would change.
6. You know those foam fingers that proclaim āWeāre number 1!ā that show up at lots of sporting events? I would design new ones that hold the appropriate finger extended for flipping the bird. The next time Iām not fast enough for the driver behind me (meaning I didnāt lay rubber at the exact second the light changed), it would be much easier for me to hold my foam finger out the window. Iām too arthritic now to actually flip the bird.
7. I would insist all hearing aid batteries last longer. Way, way longer. And like the eyeglass screws, I would make access to those batteries much simpler. Itās not bad enough your hearing aid battery dies in the middle of conversation, but now you have to get that little piece of plastic open to change the batteryā¦again.
I would give you two options. You could wear my newly designed hearing aid, which would consist of a discreet cable that runs from your ear to a car battery in your backpack or you could buy disposable hearing aids. When the battery poops out, you simply toss the hearing aid in the recycling bin and pop a new one in. Your health care premium would likely match the national debt, but think of how convenient it would be.
8. I would think about loosening up some of the rules in Sun City. I mean, I only asked if I could raise goats. I didnāt say I was going to.
9. I would absolutely forbid any NHL lockout/strike to ever happen again! Yeah, Iām still sore about that.
