Did you know you can’t run a computer keyboard through the dishwasher? I didn’t. Apparently, you can’t use bacon fat to loosen a stuck key either. It works but it only smells good for a day or two. I also learned you shouldn’t use duct tape as a dust/lint roller on your computer screen. The tape leaves a sticky residue no matter how much Turtle Wax you have previously applied to that screen. Maybe I’m not the most computer savvy gal around, but I have learned a few things.
I’ve learned that a wired mouse makes a great plumb line. You know how people put horizontal lines on a door frame to measure the growth of a child? Well, I put vertical lines on the wall to measure my growth, and I find a wired mouse gives me a perfectly straight line every time.
I’ve learned how to maximize the sound from my computer. I had top-of-the-line speakers for my computer, but the sound still didn’t quite seem full enough. I knew something was missing. I purchased a small boatload of computer speakers, a whack of clamps, and a bottle of Gorilla Glue. I built myself an 8’ by 8’ wall of computer speakers. I tested it. Something was still missing. I built three more walls. Placement was simple. With one speaker wall behind me, one in front, and one on each side, I do believe I realized my goal. Talk about surround sound! Not only is this nirvana to me, but my neighbors can now enjoy my music too! It’s a win-win situation.
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to give up and call support. I had to call support because I knew I needed my computer up and running properly by today. I’d like to email Cupid. I’m seriously concerned about him. While I don’t always trust an armed little naked guy, I feel compelled to warn him. The government is clamping down so hard and so fast on guns, how long until they ban Cupid’s arrow? Then what will the poor little cherub do? Someone should warn him and my email is down.
The support guy told me I should be backing up my computer on a daily basis. Really? I have a few questions. Where’s the tranny so I can find reverse? How far should I back it up? Is a few feet far enough? Who owns it once I’ve backed it up over the property line? Mr. Support Guy not only ignores my questions but starts streaming out a bunch of wahoo that I don’t understand. He’s talking about discs and chips and cache and spam and the information superhighway. I had more questions. What kind of chips? Doritos? Are you kidding me about spam? I’m in Illinois not Hawaii. Does this information highway have clean bathrooms?
He finally said my email was up and running. I started sorting through my usual list of mail. What the heck is computer dating and why would I want to date a computer? No, I don’t want to enhance anything. The Prince of Nigeria still wants to send me his fortune. No, I don’t think I should add three hours and 58 minutes to a perfectly good sex life – keep your pill.
