Our Ask An Angel correspondent is Arlene Petersen, Life Care Navigation Specialist in the area of senior home care.
Q Ten years ago, my son got married, and soon after, his job took him to the East Coast. Since then, he and his wife have blessed us with three wonderful grandchildren. The distance between us is measured more than just by miles. We hardly hear from my son, and my daughter-in-law keeps the family at armâs length from us. This just brings me and my husband so much sadness, and I donât know what to do. We raised our family to be close-knit, but now that just seems like a memory. How can I cultivate a relationship with my grandchildren?
A Family is so important. It is the glue that holds many of us together. We raise and nurture our children to move out of the ânest,â but we do so believing and hoping that the relationship will continue to be close as they grow into their own personhood. What are we to do when others influence those close family relationships? For your situation, you cannot change the dynamics your daughter-in-law chooses. You can only be accountable for your own interaction with her, your son, and your grandchildren. So how and where do you begin?
First, I suggest reaching out to your son and his wife with your desire to connect with your grandchildren. Itâs important to be respectful and kind. Discuss some of your ideas of how youâd like to reach out. If they give the OK, itâs your turn to have fun.
So how can you create that environment of fun across the miles? Todayâs families are very tech-oriented. In a sense, this forces us to learn how to live in their world as best we can. Think about how your grandchildren engage with you the best and then put together a plan.
We have come up with a few great ideas:
⢠If you are planning a visit, send a jar with pennies or coins that your grandchildren can count and use as a reminder about the number of days until your visit. You can substitute cute stickers they can attach to a calendar, which is another way to be involved in the âcountdown.â
⢠Create a Grandmaâs Cozy package. This is a package containing all the things your grandchild will need if he or she is under the weather. For example, you could send a can of chicken noodle soup, a treasured book, crossword puzzles, a stuffed animal, etc.
⢠Create love notes by cutting out heart- or animal-shaped pieces of paper or and write on them the things you appreciate about your grandchild. Place all the hearts in an envelope and mail them to him or her.
⢠Make a âtag, youâre itâ notebook. You can use a simple spiral notebook, journal, or colored note paper that you write in and mail to your grandchildren. Write a paragraph in your letter or notebook and then have your grandchild write the next paragraph in his or her letter. You can collect all of the ânotesâ and make a book that you can give to them as a keepsake.
⢠A family history project is great for long distances. We call it the âback in timeâ book. You might pique their interest by sending a story illustrating a great story from your history. Donât end the story, but leave a cliffhanger question at the end and ask your grandchildren what questions they have about the story. They can mail it back to you for you to complete the story. Keep adding stories about other family members. This is a great way for you to keep your family history alive.
⢠For the tech savvy, play Internet games together like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune, both of which can be found at sony.com. Other games include golf, card games, chess, checkers, and strategy games. If you have a smart phone, âWords with Friendsâ is a great online word scramble game.
⢠Another idea we have is called the âimagine thatâ book. This is where you and your grandchildren collaborate to write a series of fictional childrenâs stories describing the adventures you would have had if you would have grown up together.
More Internet ideas:
⢠Did you know that American Greetings and Hallmark feature cards in which you can record your own message in your own voice? Hallmark sells âtalkingâ holiday books in which you can record your voice reading the story.
⢠If you have a computer with a web cam, you can see your grandchildren across the miles through a free online service called Skype. My sister-in-law just started this with her grandchildren who live in Vermont and she loves it!
⢠Upload pictures from your childhood, your kidsâ childhoods, or current photos onto a digital photo frame. You can add multiple images to the frames and mail the picture frame to your family.
⢠Photos can also be shared online. There are many services out there and most are free. Your grandchildren can log on to the site and view your photos.
⢠Email is a common way to communicate with family. I have one family member who sends me jokes all the time. It keeps us connected in a quick and easy way.
⢠Social networking is big these days and many seniors are joining Facebook, a free social networking site. Kids are on it, too, uploading pictures and sending short messages to one another about their daily goings on.
⢠Donât forget about texting. I certainly have to wear my glasses when I text someone, but itâs not impossible, and it is great for sending a quick âI love youâ message. It is not too hard to type a few xâs and oâs in my message!
One thing is certain, maintaining a relationship requires an investment of time. A friendship is easier to maintain when it is in our âbackyardâ so to speak. When it is across the miles, it takes an extra measure of time. That is time well spent and the value cannot be measured!
⢠Have a question for our angel correspondent? You can send our angel an email to apetersen@visitingangels.com or send your question via mail to Ask An Angel, 65 Woodbury St., South Elgin, IL 60177.
