Thrill-seekers of Sun City, have I got a place for you to check out.
Forget sky-diving, mechanical bull riding, or standing in that glass box at the top of the John Hancock: the real Thunderdome is only about 15 minutes away.
It’s a place so intense, so overflowing with excitement at every turn that you need a membership just to prove you’re worthy.
That’s because the ordinarily tame Costco becomes a colossal obstacle course on the weekends.
Arrive on a late Saturday or Sunday morning and meet your first challenge: getting in.
The parking lot is a sprawling blacktop field, yet no one seems to be able to find a space, because any spots after the 10th row back are apparently for weaklings. While parking, be sure to avoid sudden backer-outers and the always deceptive large family who appears to be leaving but takes 15 minutes to get all their kids buckled up and the dual-DVD backseats up and running.
If you make it into a spot before the 10th row, congratulations: you’ve earned bonus points. Regardless, be aware of the obstacles on your way to the entrance: parking lot drag racers eager to get home (especially hazardous on Sundays just before a Bears kickoff) and titanic cart centipedes pushed by underpaid teenagers that threaten to knock you down.
Once inside, proudly flash your membership card to the attendant standing at the door. Their solemn nod is a testament to the fact that you’ve made it this far, but also a warning that the real test has only just begun.
It’s important at this point for first time Costco gladiators to keep calm. If the megawatt fluorescent lights do not render you blind, the wall of 60-inch-plus HDTVs may induce seizures. It is perfectly acceptable to wear sunglasses during your experience. Bonus points if you make it without them.
After the electronics section, you may hear a Dorothy-like voice in your head say, “I don’t think we’re in Lake in the Hills anymore.” That’s because Costco’s chaotic stream of shoppers passing through a market housing everything from food to clothes to coffins evokes all the hustle-and-bustle of a frenetic bazaar in Mumbai.
Those coffins, by the way, are used for those who don’t make it out.
Further adding to the exotic market charm are the sample hawkers who are eager to peddle off their Greek yogurt, chicken nugget, or black bean burger samples. The truth is, they don’t have to holler very loud. I believe Costco has invested in some type of human magnet because shoppers are drawn to these sample tables as if they can’t resist. Bonus points if you can get a piece of cheesecake before the samples are out and have to be reloaded.
And as soon as shoppers get that bite-size portion of pulled pork, the polarity must be switched because they repel faster than the hawker can finish telling them where to find a 10-pound bag of it. Beware of the mass exodus of samplers who are merely on their way to the watermelon slice table.
Like the hawkers, product demonstrators come from far and wide to demonstrate the latest cooking breakthroughs to awestruck shoppers. Watch in wonder as they make a mango-kale juice blend in seconds! See how the George Foreman grill will completely transform your life! Bonus points for making eye contact with the demonstrator as you boldly walk up and grab a sample without listening to a word they say.
As you make it through the maze, your strength will be tested. Can you lift a 32-pack of water bottles? I believe Costco’s design wing has purposely shaped these packages as cumbersome and foreign to the human hand as possible.
It’s not just the water either. There are three-packs of 64-ounce cans of marinara sauce, 48-can packs of Coke, and bags of dog food the size of a twin-size mattress. Cancel your gym membership. Bonus points if you don’t pull a muscle.
It’s hard getting in Costco, and it’s just as tough getting out. The bottleneck getting off I-90 near Woodfield is nothing by comparison to Costco’s checkout lanes. Aggressively push your way to the line that appears the shortest. Oftentimes, this is deceptive because the current person paying is using a check, which increases their time at the line by 30 percent. Experienced Costco gladiators know this and you will too, if you make it out.
At last, you’ve paid for your six-month supply of food and are done! At this point it’s acceptable to get a ridiculously-cheap-but-somehow-very-good slice of pizza or hot dog as a treat. Flash your membership (and battle scars) to the exit attendant and hand over your receipt so they can certify that you are indeed a Costco champion. Be proud: 60 million other warriors have tried and not all have succeeded.
Of course, finding your car and safely navigating the parking lot is your final challenge, but I’ll let you handle that yourself. Bonus points if you finish the hot dog before reaching your car.
