Well, it’s about time.
I never thought I would live to see it, but some scientists are finally breaking away from the herd of researchers obsessed with silly things like global climate change, genetically-enhanced food products, antibiotic-resistant bugs and the like. They’re finally taking a scientific look at things that really matter in our everyday lives.
And here’s the poop: According to a team of scientists in Germany, dogs of all breeds tend to align themselves along a north-south axis when they take a dump.
Forget about polar vortexes and melting glaciers — doggie dowsers are the real news! If you want a reliable GPS, look no further than your Growling Poop Squatter!
According to a study co-author Sabine Begall, a biologist at the University of Duisburg-Essen (German for “dump after eating,” I think), their research began a couple years ago when their examination of Google Earth aerial pictures revealed that “cattle align with the magnetic field lines” too. I have long suspected that sour cream is nothing more than misaligned milk, and although Begall didn’t go so far as to confirm my suspicions, I expect that more research will prove me right. There’s no telling what’s going on with cottage cheese.
After her team figured out the cattle-compass thing, they moved on to foxes, which also prefer a north-south alignment while pouncing on a mouse, it turns out. Their study didn’t explain which way the mice prefer to face as they wait to meet their muncher, but hey, they’re only mice. What serious scientist would waste time on researching which way a mouse faces when it nibbles an oat?
After studying foxes, it was only a small step to studying dogs. And after the scientists carefully watched their step around a gaggle of 70 dogs donating a total of 1,893 excretion events, the results were in.
And they found that when it comes to depositing doo-doo, north-south is definitely doggie style.
Of course, that all depends on a stable magnetic field. When the field shifts, such as during a lightning storm, all bets are off.
And I guess that makes sense. After all, if you had urgent gastric business to conduct and the skies threatened to light you up with a bolt before you had the chance to unbuckle your belt, how much time would you spend consulting the compass? It would be a let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may situation, right? Well, it turns out dogs are no dopes when it comes to downloading their software under electrostatic duress, either.
But when magnetic conditions are optimal — as they were in 30 percent of the cases studied, according to the researchers — their aim is true. The researchers didn’t explain why the earth’s magnetic field is fouled up 70 percent of the time, but the dogs could probably tell you. Or those herds of climate scientists, who all point the same way no matter what the weather looks like outside.
The researchers also studied dogs’ pee-pointing preference — a total of 5,582 events—but those results were a bit trickier. Although both male and female dogs do their number 2 the same way, they employ radically different styles when the urge to perform a number 1 comes. So while a squatting female will always spritz an in-line sprinkle, standing males aim on a three-legged perpendicular. And then there’s that whole right-handed/left-handed thing that has to be factored in.
As a result, the authors write, the tinkle research is “currently under study,” a science-jargon way of saying that results will probably trickle in later.
I trust the researchers will also break down the results to indicate which breeds are more tuned in to the magnetic fields, and which are less so. After all, the German team studied a total of 37 different breeds, so they must have some kind of extended doo-doo breakout work to do.
I’m hoping that dachshunds will win the north-south poo-pole pointing polka. For one thing, imagine the pride those German scientists would feel if a German breed would lead their fecal research, besting even the poodle or shih tzu, which would seem to have a leg up right from the first syllable. And it makes sense dachshunds would win, because they are built pretty close to the ground where the earth’s magnetic field would be stronger. Besides, it would be nice to know that dachshunds have some practical reason that makes them worth anything at all.
Anyway, I’m glad that some scientists are finally breaking away from those sheep-headed researchers who keep bleating their gloom-and-doom findings about climate, nutrition, disease, and the like. It takes heroism to swim against that tide. It’s a breath of fresh air to finally have some real science hit the fan, and I can’t wait to see how far it flies.
My hat is off to those German researchers. Imagine how proud their mothers must be when they get together with friends over coffee and krumkake and they are asked, “So, what exactly does your child do for a living?”
• Author, musician and storyteller TR Kerth is a retired teacher who has lived in Sun City Huntley since 2003. Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Can’t wait for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Then get TR’s book, “Revenge of the Sardines,” available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online book distributors.
