Our Ask An Angel correspondent is Arlene Petersen, Life Care Navigation Specialist in the area of senior home care.
Q. I had to move my mother to a memory care community in the area. Since she moved there, I have visited her every day. Now that she is settled, she expects me to continue to visit every day, and I just can’t do it anymore. I work full time and find little time for myself and my spouse. I don’t mind visiting, but I am drained.
A. I imagine there are times your mom feels lonely and your visits are the highlight of her day, and it sounds like a routine has somewhat been established. I have a few suggestions:
First, start with an honest conversation about your schedule and how it is important for you to visit with her, yet maintain balance in the other areas of your life. You might start with other ways to be engaged without physically being there. A phone call may take the place of one of your visits and that might be a good start. Gradually, increase the phone calls to replace that physical visit.
Decide what a reasonable schedule is and what works for you and your family. Talk with the staff at the community she lives in. There are opportunities scheduled there to engage the residents, and those activities are a good way to expose her to some of the offerings there. The staff is there to help her and to help you! Have the community calendar handy, so you know what’s provided for the residents that day. That way, you can encourage her to get involved by asking relevant questions about her day.
Plus you’ll have the next day’s activities to talk about. You can only encourage her and try to release yourself of the responsibility to get her involved. Another option is to work with a caregiving agency that can provide companionship care. In this situation, a caregiver provides you with respite care. The caregiver can visit and socialize with your mom and can do some of her favorite things with her.
It’s amazing how the socialization can help her in more ways than you imagined. So start a new routine by changing your patterns and by thinking about the options available to both of you. A good routine was started, but it became unbalanced. It is possible to make some changes, but it will take a new way of thinking for you, without the guilt.
Have a question for our angel correspondent? You can send our angel an email to apetersen@visitingangels.com or send your question via mail to Ask An Angel, 65 Woodbury St., South Elgin, IL 60177.
