A late-blooming superhero reveals his Power of Stupid

Someone once said, “Knowledge is power,” but what little knowledge I possess can’t hold a candle to my newly discovered “Power of Stupid.”

Like the powers of Superman, Spiderman, and Wonder Woman, I have kept it hidden and unused most of my life. I always knew it was there, but I worked hard to conceal it from the view of others because I felt it made me different from them, and I never wanted to be viewed as different.

But now that I have learned how to wield The Power of Stupid, I have found no obstacle I can’t defeat. And although people do view me as different when they see the full glory of my Power, they don’t dislike me for it. In fact, I think it sort of endears me to them.

And all it takes for me to unleash The Power is to say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. Can you explain it to me in simple terms?”

I discovered The Power of Stupid shortly after my wife’s stroke five years ago. She used to handle all of our important dealings with the outside world—banking, bill paying, investing, setting up contracts, and the like.

She did them because…well, because she could. And because I was stupid when it came to things like that.

I’m not sure if she fully understood the depth of my Stupid because I was pretty good at keeping it tucked away. I would simply say, “Well, you’re so good at this stuff, why don’t you take care of it?” And she did it willingly, because she was good at it.

But then, when her stroke made it impossible for her to do it any more, I had to take over all those important matters. And it became clear in a flash that my Stupid knew no bounds. I was, you might say, a Master of Stupid, far more advanced in that field than any man receiving senior citizen discounts should be.

I struggled along for a month or so still trying to keep my Stupid hidden, as I have done since grammar school, when a guy could be teased mercilessly for not knowing how all the cool kids were walking, or talking, or wearing their shirt collars this week.

But I found to my dismay that my hidden Stupid just didn’t work for me when it came to paying bills, or getting the Comcast box to work, or dealing with insurance claims.

If I was going to survive, it was time for me to unleash the full Power of Stupid and make it public.

It all started at the bank, where my wife had been a frequent visitor managing our checking and savings accounts or setting up a CD or IRA. I walked in and introduced myself to Carol, who knew my wife well. I told her about my wife’s stroke and my confusion over how to take over the business of running our lives—business that my wife did so well.

In a conversation peppered with words like “befuddled,” and “baffled, and “flummoxed,” and “bewildered,” I told Carol, “I don’t even know where to start.”

She fired up her computer and showed me our accounts, and as she talked about payee accounts, automatic debits, and routing numbers, I stopped her almost every sentence to say, “I don’t know what that means.”

And with each admission of the depth of my stupidity, Carol took the time to explain and even to help me take notes, because all this new information was oozing out of my ears as soon as she pumped it in.

And the further we delved into the astounding depth and breadth of my Stupid, the more she brightened to the task. It wasn’t just a job to her. It was a joy.

And thus was The Power of Stupid born.

Today I don’t hesitate to unleash my Power on the world, and there is no limit to its ability to conquer whatever obstacles stand in my way.

The Comcast guy blathers about modems, routers, DVR’s, and digital adapters, and I tell him I wouldn’t know any of them from a hole in the ground.

The insurance agent prattles about deductibles, surcharges, comprehensives, and EOB’s, and I tell him that he lost me at “How are you doing today?”

The doctor drones on about MRI’s, CT scans, saline drips, and intubation, and I tell him that the blank expression on my face has nothing to do with Botox. Whatever that is.

Discovering The Power of Stupid has opened doors for me that have forever been locked because I always thought that folks respected knowledge in the people they meet. The more somebody knew about something, I thought, the more they would be liked and honored. And the more power they would have.

But I was wrong, because it turns out that folks love to spend time with people who are, compared to them, spectacularly stupid, and who would love nothing more than to have them prove it.

All it takes to unleash The Power of Stupid is to make the simple statement, “Look, I know I’m stupider than you are. Please show me how much more you know than I do. And don’t hold back.”

Now admit it, you couldn’t turn your back on an appeal like that, could you? You wouldn’t be human if you could.

People of Earth, resistance is futile: Your superior knowledge is no match for my feeble stupidity.

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