(Editor’s Note: Actually, I’m not writing this as an editor’s note so much as I am as a “Husband Note.” What I didn’t mention about the first installment of my wife’s pregnancy quotes is that she was not only unaware that I was taking these notes throughout her entire pregnancy but also that I printed them. Apparently, this was a mistake. A few days after the edition printed, I went into my office in the morning to start work and found a ripped-out copy of Page 2 laying on my keyboard (where I couldn’t miss it) with notes written in blue highlighter throughout the entire column. ‘Notes’ is a kind word for what she wrote. What she really wrote isn’t suitable for print. The following quotes are printed with her approval.)
The following are quotes from my wife, who is pregnant for the first time. The quotes are not labeled by week, but they do run in chronological order from just days after we found out she was pregnant to present day at 27 weeks along.
After watching a birthing video: “What have I gotten myself into? There’s got to be another way to get him out besides a C-section.”
While the baby was kicking hard enough to see it but low on the belly: “I couldn’t see. That bump was in the way.”
“There’s a mantra I say throughout the day: ‘This will all be over soon, this will all be over soon, this will all be over soon.’”
Talking about how many more weeks she has to go: “His due date is worst-case scenario.”
Trying to roll over in bed: “I can’t believe it. I’m stuck on my back.” After ten minutes of trying: “I need leverage.”
After giving her a massage: “Wait, you can’t just leave me beached here.”
“S#!t.” Because she dropped spaghetti on her stomach.
“The stupidest I’ve ever been is pregnant.”
Me: “So your uterus is the size of a soccer ball now.”
“That’s really scary. Don’t ever say that to me again.”
“Whenever he kicks, I feel like he’s talking to me.”
“What if when he comes out and sees me, he thinks, ‘Oh no, you’re her?’”
“What’s really freaking me out is that you can’t pick your kid. You can pick everything else. You can pick your spouse, you can pick your job, your pet. But you can’t pick your kid.”
After a very long and tiring day, I was exhausted. I had been up for about 20 hours after only sleeping about four hours the night before. Right as I was heading off to bed, she said, “I finally figured out what I want for his life.” Fellas, does that sound like it’s going to be a short one?
“Knowing that I have to give a urine sample nowadays keeps me up at night. I have to strategize.”
“I’m so worried about him. I know I’m going to worry about him his entire life. Think about when he’s older. Will he eat right? Will he have a good home? Will he find a good job? Will he find love? What if he doesn’t?”
“You’re eating all my popsicles.”
Me: “I ate one. You have two boxes of 12 each. By my count, you have 23 left.”
“See, you’re eating them all.”
Me: …
“You know, when he was little.”
Me: (thinking, Little? He’s not even born): “Kids grow up so fast these days.”
“He learned a new trick today. He can kick my butt.”
“Nine months for gestation is too long. In my opinion, it should be six months.” She was 26 weeks pregnant.
After I complained about not feeling well: “I’m glad you’re not doing well.”
Talking about his movements: “I’m detecting intelligence.”
While looking at a baby outfit she bought, then thought she should return, then decided to keep it, she got emotional: “I’ll always remember it as the outfit we almost returned.”
Me: “And he’ll wear it once, so make sure to get that photo.”
“It’s like making a date with a guy, almost canceling it, then deciding to go, and he’s the one you fall in love with.”
Me (thinking that’s a little dramatic): “Right.”
While eating desert and pondering if he’ll fit in: “What if he decides he likes vanilla pudding over chocolate pudding?”
Me: “I don’t know, will you take him as a traitor?” She likes chocolate more than vanilla.
“No, but if he told me he does, I think I’ll say to him, ‘That’s the wrong answer.’”
What if when he comes out he doesn’t relate to me? What if he relates more to you?” A pause for consideration. “Well, we both know that won’t happen.”
Me (thinking): Thanks.
Talking about him sitting on her bladder and that she might pee her pants: “It’s only a matter of time.”
The scale says I’m at XXX (higher than she wants “but I think that’s wrong.”
Dressed in all black with the hood of her hoodie up: “You know what I hate?”
Me (thinking): Everything right now.
“I never realized you could be so proud of a baby still in utero.”
While we were having a playful argument and jokingly criticizing each other. Me: “Hey, I don’t make you out to be the worse parent.”
“I’m not.”
“If it falls on the floor, unless it’s essential, it’s not being picked up.”
Talking about her heart skipping a beat and what that might sound like to the baby: “That must be like thunder to him.”
“Today it was like he was trying to beat me up or something. But it was cute. It kind of feels like I need an icepack inside my uterus.”
“He used to be so cute when he was little. Now when he does a flip, it hurts.”
“I used to find him so cute. Now I’m a little scared of him.”
“I’m feeling like I’m the odd man out.”
Me (thinking, You’re pregnant, you have someone built into you.): “That’s not even possible.”
“I think he’s such a nice person.” Literally five minutes later: “He’s a little creepy sometimes.”
“I don’t want ice cream anymore.”
Me (shocked): “What do you want instead?”
“Brownie or pound cake with mixed berries or blueberries or Dunkin Donuts.”
“I’m surprised by how fulfilling of a relationship you can have with a fetus.”
Talking about exhaustion: “Everything I do now is half-assed. No, that would be good. More like quarter-assed. Eighth-assed.”
To me: “Thank you for helping me put my socks on. It’s actually a great struggle.”
“You know what sucks about getting into bed? You stay wherever you go down. It doesn’t matter if you’re comfortable.”
“I have to pee again. Do you realize the toilet barely stopped flushing.” From when she last peed.
“I guess you’d have to be pregnant to understand.”
