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Waiting for a baby to be born is a real drag … of time

By Chris La Pelusa

If you tell me I have nine months to finish a task, my first response is, ā€œNine months? Thatā€™s it? How about nine years? Can I have that?ā€

Under normal conditions, nine months squirt by like nine minutes. Weā€™re already on edition 20 of 25 of 2016. Edition one feels like yesterday. Weā€™re a little less than three months outside the unbelievable-sounding year of 2017. And weā€™re about to change over presidents, which wouldnā€™t seem so shocking if it wasnā€™t the end of Obamaā€™s second term. He was elected eight years ago. Eight! Thatā€™s like five minutes.

As everyone knows, the older you get the faster time slips by…except when youā€™re waiting for a baby to be born. Then it practically slows to a halt, which Iā€™m starting to think might be the calm before the storm.

The other day, I caught sight of my wife walking down the stairs. She wore a tight top, looked very pregnant, and my first thought was, ā€œMy god, youā€™re still pregnant?ā€ Itā€™s getting cold out again, and sheā€™s been pregnant since the last time it was cold. Weā€™ve literally transitioned through three seasons, and the baby still isnā€™t here. Iā€™ve even experienced recall of instances that Iā€™m startled to realize occurred after my wife got pregnant because the memory seems so distant.

In the time my wife has been pregnant, Iā€™ve had a birthday, two family members have died, the newspaper celebrated another anniversary, my niece got engaged, I think a nephew graduated college (it all gets fuzzy at this point), another Olympics came and went, and a damn rocket launched a Sun City residentā€™s writing into space. NASA even added another sign to the Zodiac chart, seriously screwing up dating apps all across the world (it turns out Iā€™m a Taurus not a Gemini…as if). And my wife is still pregnant.

Iā€™m not certain I remember her being ā€œunpregnant.ā€ It seems to be a permanent condition at this point, and weā€™re two lunatics roaming around our house, talking to my wifeā€™s belly, which bubbles with movement constantly.

At the time of writing this, my wife is 35 weeks pregnant (feels like 350). If heā€™s born sometime in the term range heā€™ll be here in two to five weeks, concepts that are like tectonic plates working against each other. On one hand, I think that time might pick up and fly by. On the other, that may as well be a year from now. Whatā€™s really blowing my mind is next time I write Happy Trails, it most likely will be with a baby laying across my lap, perhaps kicking happily at the sound of my typing because in utero he apparently likes that sound (thatā€™s my boy!). Or he hates it!

What else has slowed are the quotes you readers have seemed to enjoy. By 35 weeks thereā€™s not much else to say, but Iā€™ll leave you with a few of my wifeā€™s winners over the last stages of her pregnancy.

Talking about him moving inside her: ā€œI think he just turned into the Hulk.ā€

Having a conversation about being excited to find out what his favorites will be (food, song, color, etc…),
Me: ā€œWhich parent do you think will be his favorite?ā€ I was joking.
ā€œIs that really a question?ā€ She meant herself. She was not joking.

Telling me again how sad sheā€™ll be when heā€™s not in her belly anymore (between tears): ā€œItā€™s the second saddest thing ever.ā€
Me: ā€œWhatā€™s the first?ā€
ā€œWhen Ruppy [our dog] died.ā€
Me: ā€œI donā€™t like where this conversationā€™s going.ā€

Talking about all the blood tests sheā€™s taken during pregnancy: ā€œTheyā€™re taking all my blood. Thatā€™s all they do. Iā€™m surprised I have any left.ā€

Apparently time has not slowed so much for my wife because this is what she said about time moving during her pregnancy: I donā€™t know what happened. Suddenly it went from three months [to delivery] to three weeks. And why is my laundry not done yet?ā€





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