Uncovering a conspiracy of sinkholes and sausage-bombs

The United States is under attack! It’s being torn apart!

Well, not the United States per se, but Florida — that wet, wacky addendum attached to the southeastern edge of the United States. But it’s still a cause for concern, because a lot of folks from the actual United States like to go there in the wintertime.

Despite our military’s readiness to detect attacks from any of the cardinal directions—north, south, east or west — this attack took us by surprise because it came from below.

On Friday, July 14, the earth opened up and swallowed two Land o’ Lakes homes and a boat. Fortunately, nobody was killed because it was summertime and all visitors from the real United States were back home up north — and native Floridians are as tough to kill as cockroaches.

This wasn’t Florida’s first sinkhole. Google a sinkhole map of Florida and you’ll see a line from Sarasota on the Gulf Coast to Daytona Beach on the Atlantic, like zipper scars on a flaccid appendage. There’s not much action south of the line, but north of the line it’s sinkhole-palooza all the way up to Georgia.

It’s as if something — or someone — is trying to geo-cize the southern fore-tip of Florida, slicing it away from the rest of the continent.

Scientists explain that sinkholes are natural events, caused by fluctuating water levels flowing through porous sub-surface rocks, making them unstable and prone to collapse.

They have to say that, because if the public knew the truth — that the sinkholes are part of a dastardly attack on America — it might cause a widespread panic.

Of course, there are so many sinkhole events in north Florida that this most recent attack might have gone unnoticed, written off as just another geological event. But when the artillery barrage began late that same night, there could be no hiding it any longer: The United States was under attack!

That’s when a 15-pound salvo of frozen pork crashed into the roof of the Adair family in Deerfield Beach, north of Fort Lauderdale. “It had to fall from the sky,” homeowner Travis Adair said. “It was too heavy to throw on the roof.”

It is doubtful the meat that plummeted from the sky was part of a naturally occurring event. It was not just a meatier meteorite, because this one was still frozen, not crispy from re-entry.

And it wasn’t a “when-pigs-fly” event, because this pork was packaged before it plummeted.

The homeowners suspected that the meat fell from a plane because their home is near three airports, but the Federal Aviation Commission was silent on the issue. Of course.

Silent…as in just one more federal government cover-up?

Fortunately, before the feds could bury or barbecue the evidence, Mr. Adair talked to the press about the meat-storm. Enough facts leaked out for me to piece together the truth — that the United States is under attack! It’s being torn apart!

Oh, the feds didn’t want you to put two and two together, but here it is:

Markings on the packaging indicated that the pork originally belonged to a guy named Jim Williams of Myakka City, a town of 6,300 residents 170 miles northwest of the meat-missile ground zero. Go to your Google Florida map and you’ll see that Myakka City lies just east of Sarasota.

Now, overlay your Google sinkhole map over the top and what do you see?

Myakka City lies just at the zipper line of sinkholes running across the state, threatening to send South Florida sailing off to become an island of its own.

Mr. Williams doesn’t deny that the hogs the meat came from once belonged to him, and that he had them slaughtered and processed into sausage meat, but he claims to have no idea how his meat ended up on the Adairs’ roof.

“I would have thought 15 pounds of frozen meat falling from an airplane would have put a hole in the roof,” Williams said—perhaps to cast suspicion on the Adairs’ story? And maybe even to cover his own tracks?

Because what does Mr. Williams do for a living?

He owns a company that clears the land down to bare ground and prepares fields “for planting” — or for whatever other nefarious plans you might have when your company gives you easy access to land located right at the edge of sinkhole alley.

So is it a coincidence that Mr. Williams is linked both to Florida sinkholes and flying Florida pork?

Pull your head out of the sand, people! The United States is under attack! It’s being torn apart!

If a Florida sinkhole and a Florida sausage bomb occurring within hours of each other on July 14 don’t convince you, then consider this:

July 14 was the same day that President Trump returned from France — no doubt hankering for some good old American barbecue after choking down all that quiche and brie. And knowing our President, is it really so hard to believe that he sent out a late-night delivery call to one of his faithful sinkhole-and-meat minions?

Deerfield Beach—ground zero for the icy meaty-orite on the night of July 14 — is just 30 miles down the coast from Mar-a-Lago, both of them 170 miles from Myakka City.

Clearly Jim Williams, catapulting frozen sausage meat across the state to his hungry boss in the middle of the night, missed his intended target by a mere 30 miles. But who could blame him? It’s hard to figure windage on 15 pounds of pork after a long day working in the sinkholes.

The evidence is undeniable — the United States is under attack, and You-Know-Who is the mastermind of it all!

If we don’t act soon, south Florida will split away. Mar-a-Lago will be the Trump-ruled capital stronghold of a sinkhole-severed island kingdom, a BBQ-and-banana republic no longer part of our United States.

And we don’t want that, do we?

Or… well…

Author, musician and storyteller TR Kerth is a retired teacher who has lived in Sun City Huntley since 2003. Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Can’t wait for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Then get TR’s book, “Revenge of the Sardines,” available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online book distributors.

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