Our Ask An Angel correspondent is Re Kielar, Life Care Navigation Specialist in the area of senior home care.
Q. I have been invited to a weekend getaway with a few friends. I would love to join them, but I feel guilty leaving my husband alone. I am his caregiver and can’t imagine someone taking my place, and I don’t think he would either. What do other people do when they want to be gone for any amount of time, and how do they deal with the guilt?
A. The guilty feeling you are describing is extremely common for most caregivers. It is a very real struggle. Caregivers have a challenge in finding a comfort zone in their roles. It is important to recognize that it is okay to take a break and is actually the most caring thing you can do for yourself and your loved one. This is called self-care, and one way it is accomplished is through respite care. Basically, respite care is temporary help for the care of a loved one, giving relief to the main caregiver. Respite care is provided by someone else, and can come through a friend, family member, or professional. It alleviates the possibility of caregiver burnout. Burnout appears in various forms. It can appear as anxiety, depression, or irritability. It can even bring on health problems. Are you able to be realistic on how you are doing with self-care? Are you experiencing burnout? Are you feeling overwhelmed and spent to the point that it is affecting your relationship with your husband? It is okay to be honest and real about this. Most caregivers want to serve and care with joy and compassion, but the burnout experienced from trying to be everything all the time can be a thief to a healthy body and mind. Your spouse may or may not recognize your own needs, so it is crucial that you discuss your emotions in a loving way. That being said, how do you proceed? Start by asking for help. It is perfectly fine for you to accept help from others. Often people are not aware that you might even need it! So, speak up. If family or friends are not able to help you, then consider working with a professional caregiving agency. They are equipped to provide temporary help, and A good agency will discuss your family needs and will put a plan in place to provide respite care. Include your husband in this meeting. If possible, meet your assigned caregiver before your getaway date. This reduces anxiety for everyone involved. Set a plan that includes how you will check in with the caregiver. You know yourself best! You may want to put your mind at ease with a quick phone call at the end of the day. Take special care not to focus on what you are missing at home while you are supposed to be recharging yourself during your trip. Give yourself permission to enjoy time with your friends. This is so important! Self-care is needed fuel for all you do as a caregiver, and it will enrich how you care for your spouse. Understanding and coming to accept this truth will liberate you from feelings of guilt. It reminds me of the safety instructions we receive when we fly. It is all about getting oxygen for yourself first, so you can help others around you. This idea can apply to your role as a caregiver. Fill your body and mind with good things, necessary things that help your well-being so that your journey and your husband’s will be energized with goodness on all sides.
Have a question for our angel correspondent? You can send our angel an email to rkielar@visitingangels.com or send your question via mail to Ask An Angel, 65 Woodbury St., South Elgin, IL 60177.
