Our Ask An Angel correspondent is Re Kielar, Life Care Navigation Specialist in the area of senior home care.
Q. Mom has been living in an assisted living community and we know she will not return to her home. As her power of attorney, I am faced with the task of selling her beloved home. I don’t know how to tell her I will be doing this. It is overwhelming. Some people have advised me not to tell her, others say they would. I am torn.
A. This is a difficult situation, and many have gone through this. You know your mom best and how she would handle the actual sale of her home. There are many things to consider. It is not just the “sale” that is to be considered, it is all the feelings that accompany it. She, most likely, has cherished memories of her home. Consider that this will be a loss to her and that she will grieve it…if you choose to tell her. If you tell her about the sale, she may become angry and resentful towards you as you act responsibly on her behalf. Keeping it from her enables her to hold on to her memories and not have to be distressed from the news. For you, some things to keep in mind is how this sale can also affect her financially, especially when it pertains to the cost of her care. Sometimes family members want to hold on to property for various reasons. I have learned from some wise people that when we hear talk about saving for a “rainy day,” it is to help your loved one stay safe and comfortable! It sounds like having your mom live in an assisted living community is now that time. So, if the sale of her home will help her, then factor that in to your decision. On the flip side, you will want to take into consideration the cost of keeping up the house and how maintaining it will impact her financial situation. Do you live close enough to the home to take care of it? Can another family member live in it and care for it? Perhaps a family member can purchase the home? You mentioned she lives in an assisted living community, but I wonder if you have considered what it might look like for her to live in her own home with a professional caregiver in place? If the home is safe for her, and you have a good care team in place, that may be an option. In the end, it is always about respecting the fact that you mom has poured her heart into her home and it is a big part of who she is. Begin the conversation with care and compassion. It will let her know you are sensitive to many issues, but that mostly, you have her best in mind.
Have a question for our angel correspondent? You can send our angel an email to rkielar@visitingangels.com or send your question via mail to Ask An Angel, 65 Woodbury St., South Elgin, IL 60177.
