Our Ask An Angel correspondent is Re Kielar, Life Care Navigation Specialist in the area of senior home care.
Q. My father’s dementia is progressing, and he has gone from being a mild and loving man to one that is mean and obstinate. I don’t know how to deal with his outbursts. I’ve spoken to his doctor, but I didn’t get much help from him. How do I deal with him lovingly, rather than play into his mean spirit?
A. The most important thing to remember when caring or interacting with your father is that you are dealing with his disease. Sadly, dementia has many facets and negative or argumentative behaviors are exhibited in many who are affected by this disease. Sometimes, it is difficult to separate yourself from this reality. Remember, dementia is an umbrella term for the different forms it manifests. No one really knows why some people lash out in ways that are disturbing to family members and some do not. One thing is certain, when someone with dementia lashes out, there is usually some distress he or she is experiencing that comes out in ways that are surprising. So, keep in mind that this is not who your father is. This will help you greatly. But let’s look at this a little closer. Your father is not behaving in this challenging way on purpose. Examine what might be triggering his behavior. In other words, become a student as you observe him. So, when those outbursts happen, ask yourself a few questions. Is he having difficulty understanding you? Is he confused? Did something just happen that was difficult for him? Dementia can take away the ability to express one’s self and can come out in ways that are upsetting to family or caregivers. Take a step back and remind yourself what you are learning about the disease (it is not him, it is the disease). In these moments, re-direct your father to something calming. You may even need to walk away and give him some space. Perhaps he is simply hungry or thirsty. Sadly, it can be something that simple. You will learn what sets him off, and what works to calm him down. This will not only help him, but it will help you. The hope is to take him away from any stressful situation that might have set his anger or outburst out. Don’t play into the situation, instead validate his frustration and talk to him to get through it. Use a gentle tone and try introducing music into his routine. These are just a few tips to help you, but as I mentioned, you will know what works best and what doesn’t. The goal is to have a calm environment so both of you can enjoy each other’s company.
Have a question for our angel correspondent? You can send our angel an email to rkielar@visitingangels.com.
