No offense, but we need a new phrase

We’ve all been hit with the phrase, the warning shot, the disclaimer: “No offense, but…”

Maybe when you hear it, you brace, or roll your eyes, or take a deep, heavy sigh. Either way, one thing is clear: an offense is on its way.

The phrase isn’t really that clever. If you think about it, those three words proudly trumpet the arrival of an insult, giving it more fanfare than if the insult had arrived all by itself.

But people who use the phrase see it otherwise.

The phrase has become an all-access, VIP pass, allowing the user to say something offensive without any blame.

Personally, when I hear the phrase, I’m taken back to high school hallways and cliquey conversations.

Although it might seem nice (“Oh, they don’t want to offend me”), it’s more of a personal declaration of innocence than a genuine desire not to offend.

Merriam-Webster agrees that the phrase is not just a cautious safety measure. The dictionary defines the phrase as one that is “used before a statement to say that one does not want the person or group that one is speaking to to feel hurt, angry, or upset by what one is about to say.” There is inherent risk involved in the proceeding statement or “no offense, but” wouldn’t be necessary.

I will say that I think most of the people who toss the phrase around are not on the prowl, looking for excuses to offend. Instead, I think it’s more of a sign of conversational carelessness, a way out if it’s too much effort to take others’ feelings into account. To test this, once or twice I’ve interjected – “No offense taken” – and received confused stares, as if they didn’t remember they’d said “no offense” in the first place.

And here’s a secret: we all do it. The phrases “Not to be rude” or “Don’t be insulted” are all the same thing. “No offense” just picked up the most steam.

So where does that leave us?

Proponents of the phrase might argue that there is a time and place for constructive criticism or honesty. I think the best test is to ask yourself: what would the sentence sound like without the words “no offense” tacked in front? If it’s not quite right, maybe the sentiment needs some re-wording.

And maybe if you can’t find a way to say what you want to say without the “no offense” preface, it’s best not to say it at all.

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