Q. I am at a loss when it comes to making conversation with my grandpa. I have a good relationship with him but was always a little closer with my grandma. She passed away a few years ago, and since her passing, my grandpa seems a little withdrawn. He moved to assisted living about two years ago, and while he is doing well health-wise, he has occasional memory lapses. He lights up when I come to visit, especially when I bring my family (he loves watching my little ones toddle around the halls), but after the basic, âHow are you, whatâs new,â I find myself searching for conversation topics and ways to connect with him. Do you have any suggestions on how I can better engage my grandpa in conversation?
A. First, I think itâs wonderful that you try to bring your family to visit your grandfather. It sounds like heâs lonely after losing his wife, and even if he might not know how to tell you, your visits are very important to him.
Older adults are from a generation where they didnât talk about their feelings, especially the men. They may have a difficult time expressing themselves in conversation because of the way they were raised. This doesnât mean that you canât encourage him to share his thoughts and feelings. Here are a few suggestions on how to engage in conversation with your grandfather.
Ask open-ended questions. Instead of asking a âyes/noâ question, try asking questions in a way that encourages him to elaborate. The phrase, âtell meâ is a better way to start a conversation. Try saying, âtell me about your favorite activity this week.â
Give him time to respond. Remember that it takes older adults a little longer to process what you said and formulate a response. Watch his body language so that you know he heard you, then give him a few seconds to respond. If he appears to have not heard you, try repeating your question or asking it in a different way.
Come prepared with a few conversation topic ideas. Share what youâve been up to, avoiding the ânot muchâ response. Give him details, share photos, tell him the funny things your kids have been saying or doing lately.
Ask for his advice, even if you donât really need it. Tell him a specific challenge you may have at work, with parenting, or your home. Do you have a leaky faucet? Does your car make a funny noise when you start it? Does he have any advice on teaching children manners? He may engage more if thereâs a problem to solve, even if you already have a solution.
Reminisce with him. Ask him open-ended questions about meeting your grandma, their wedding, family vacations, his career, raising his family. Ask him about his own childhood, his favorite teacher, his best friends, the trouble he got into as a teenager. The possibilities are endless.
Finally, know that a little silence is normal and can be comforting for your grandpa. He may be just as happy watching you engage with your family. Bring a game you can all play together, and pair him with one of your children so he can play along too.
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