Let the flame of a candle light the way to change

(Editor’s note: the story below contains descriptions of domestic violence that some readers may find troubling.)

Mary pulled a kitchen knife on her father. She couldn’t think of any other way to stop him from choking her mother. Mary doesn’t remember how she rationalized her action almost 30 years ago but she recalled going to school the next day. She aced her math test and put on the perfect smile.

“No one else outside the walls of my home suspected anything. After all, how could the girl with straight A’s and awards for citizenship, leadership, and perfect attendance raise suspicion of a problem at home,” Mary said.

What led to Mary’s defense of her mother is not as unusual as you may think. Fifteen million children nationwide are exposed to domestic violence each year and their lives are changed in profound ways, according to Jane Zamudio, associate director of adult programming for Turning Point Domestic Violence Agency. Mary and Jane were among the speakers at the annual Candlelight Vigil on the Woodstock Square for Turning Point in observance of October as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The local theme for 2019 is Through The Eyes of a Child.

Zamudio told the crowd gathered inside the gazebo on the Woodstock Square that research shows the abuses in the home have damaging effects on a child’s physical, intellectual, and psychological development.

“These children once they reach adulthood are six times more likely to commit suicide, 50 percent more likely to be addicted to drugs, and 74 more times likely to commit a violent crime,” she said.

The national statistics Zamudio cites show that boys who witnessed domestic violence are at least twice as likely to abuse their partners and children when they become adults while girls are more likely to become victims. Mary carried with her anxiety, lack of trust, and coping mechanisms. The other story is about Steve and how he lived in a family where fear, intimidation, manipulation, and control were a way of life. Because he eventually caused pain in his own marital relationship, the court directed Steve to Turning Point for the partner abuse intervention program.

The personal stories in this article for Sun Day are not meant to sensationalize what Mary and Steve have gone through. Their journey is meant to offer hope. Agencies such as Turning Point are a phone call away and offer hope for a new life. The reason Turning Point chose Through The Eyes of a Child is because of the impact of the AJ Freund story. The child died at the age of five and his parents, JoAnn Cunningham and Andrew Freund Sr. of Crystal Lake, are held in the McHenry County Jail on a bond of $5 million apiece, charged with their son’s murder. The Child Advocacy Center, McHenry County State’s Attorney’s Office, and the Huntley Police Department in conjunction with Turning Point presented the annual Candlelight Vigil and brought Mary and Steve to give us insight into why these organizations will never give up on protecting children and helping them heal.

Something as innocent as a sleepover in the eyes of a child living in the home of a parent consumed by alcoholism and rage turns a potentially wonderful adventure at someone else’s home into what Mary had to say to her friend asking her to stay over. Mary couldn’t bear to leave her mom alone, completely exposed to her father’s drunken rages.

“I made excuses why I could not sleep over,” she said.

As Mary got older, she learned that her own needs were secondary and that her mother’s needs came first. Ultimately, Mary learned that she was her mother’s protector.

One day, her mother told her she was getting a divorce. Mary was relieved because she had planned to go off to college in a couple of weeks.

“I surely felt she would be safe and I could start my brand new life and completely leave this old dysfunctional one behind,” Mary said.

At 41-years-old, Mary still struggles as she says “with anxiety, a weakened ability to see any glass half-full, and a mistrust of others intentions.” She also assumes the absolute worst-case scenario is the most likely outcome, yet Mary considers herself one of the lucky ones. She lived to tell her family’s story.

Turning Point’s Executive Director Jane Farmer brought Steve to the podium in the Gazebo once Mary was finished. Steve told of how his parents fought all the time. “He would yell and scold until he could regain control or until my mother became submissive.” This became the family norm and if Steve did anything other than what he was told, he would face punishment.

“The way I lived my childhood made me shy, awkward, alone, and I had trouble making friends because I had no confidence in myself,” Steve said.

Though Steve grew up hating his father for treating his family this way, similarities between he and his father became evident as Steve got older. Steve was the victim of bullying, but he couldn’t ask his father for advice.

“I bottled up my feelings and lashed out one morning at the bus stop. I used physical violence against a kid, but I remember that boy being nice to me afterward. I learned that violence worked,” he said.

Steve believed that if people feared him, they could not possibly see inside his soul that he was weak and damaged.

What happens to a boy growing up in an abusive home you may wonder. Steve’s life is a kind of roadmap that eventually led him to Turning Point for abusive men.

“It’s been a life changing experience,” he said.

He told the crowd at the Candlelight Vigil for Domestic Violence Awareness Month that Turning Point has taught him how to use negotiation, fairness, and nonthreatening behavior, respect, trust, support, honesty, and accountability. His wife came back to him and their children are looking at their dad now as a non-violent role model…breaking the cycle of violence.

Perhaps the most important part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month is the call to action. Mary and Steve, victims as children, have taken up the challenge to grab your attention in this moment that you’ve come to the end of the story.

Mary recognizes that we still have an uphill battle in our community. She feels personally responsible in failing to protect the AJ’s of this world…in that AJ Freund “literally lived around the corner and I failed to protect him.”

She wishes with everything she has that she could have been there to save him. “If I can help save one AJ, I encourage you to speak up if you think a child is being abused. I would do it a thousand times over.” She looked at the crowd as they got ready to hold candles in silent prayer, “most importantly, I want every single one of you who are fellow victims, childhood victims of violence to know that you are strong, you are worthy of a good life, and you deserve the kind of love that doesn’t hurt.”

Steve wants us to know that Turning Point’s staff “took an abusive narcissistic monster and turned him into a kind, loving, supportive partner, now an empathetic co-worker, kind civilian in every aspect.”

Thank you, Turning Point.

Thank you, Child Advocacy Center.

Thank you, McHenry County State’s Attorney’s Office.

— Turning Point phone (24 hours): 815-338-8081
— On the web: Turnpt.org

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