Q. For the past fifty-five years, my elderly parents have always hosted a large Thanksgiving family dinner. Including everyone, there are over four nuclear families represented and nearly forty people in total. Everyone looks forward to this event and everyone chips in something, regardless of my mom’s insistence to take care of it all. However, last year, I noticed that my mom was extremely agitated during this event. She has since been diagnosed with dementia and is in the early stages. My siblings and I disagree about what to do this year for the holidays. One wants to cancel altogether, the other wants my parents to host again because it’s tradition, and I’m caught in the middle. Do you have any suggestions about how we can make the holiday easier for my aging parents? What do we do when my mom insists on hosting?
A. Thank you for writing, this is a scenario that many adult children find familiar as their parents grow older. It can be a sensitive topic too, as family traditions are important and are often what make the holidays special.
However, what merits a tradition is that it is passed down to the next generation. It sounds like this year might be a good year to pass down hosting the large family gathering to someone in the family that has the capacity to do so. I would suggest talking with your siblings and other nearby cousins to see if someone else is willing to host your crew. If no one can, maybe this year you find a rental facility so that your parents don’t feel pressured to host again. Many large families gather in a community space so that everyone can enjoy time together, while not overtaking someone’s home.
You mentioned that your mom was diagnosed with early dementia. I’m sorry to hear that. You also mentioned that she became agitated last year while hosting. Large, noisy crowds are often overwhelming for someone with dementia. People with dementia also have difficulty multitasking. Maintaining conversation while trying to prepare a large meal could have easily exhausted your mom, causing her to become agitated. She too could have been masking her symptoms in front of the family, which is also tiresome.
Once your extended family is onboard with a new location, present the idea to your parents. At first, they may be disappointed. After all, it sounds like they’ve been hosting for decades and change is always difficult to accept. In time, they may grow to love the idea of a different plan. Be sure to include them in the preparations as much as they desire. Let your mom make her famous potatoes or stuffing and leave the rest to the remainder of the family. Maybe this is the year that your mom teaches her grandkids how to bake a pie or stuff a turkey; she’ll feel purposeful while not facing the pressure to pull together an entire meal.
Lastly, no matter where your family gathers, make sure there is a quiet room available where your parents, especially your mom, can retreat. When the noise and large crowds seem overwhelming, she can take a nap, watch television, or read a book in a quiet space to diffuse any agitation.
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