Leave it to a lawyer to turn a party into a “party of the first part.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think it would kill the mood if I was a young guy on a hot date that started getting pretty steamy, but before any garments hit the floor I had to run to my filing cabinet to pull out another “copulation consent form” for my panting partner to sign.
But that’s the advice attorneys are giving to young men in the wake of two Ohio State football players being arrested for allegedly kidnapping and raping a 19-year-old woman.
The players, of course, claim they are innocent of doing anything that the young woman didn’t agree to. And they say they have proof. Not only did they get verbal consent from her, they say, one of those players claims that the “victim” said in a video that the encounter was consensual, and Columbus police have acknowledged in an affidavit that the recording was recovered.
But still, some defense lawyers say even that isn’t enough if you’re a frisky young man wanting to steer clear of potential legal hassles over your romantic dalliances. “I think the best practice for young men is to ask for consent in writing,” says criminal defense attorney Brad Koffel, because it’s important to do these things the right way. “And if they don’t, in this climate, then they’re going to suffer some consequences.”
So if you’re a young man out there who thinks you’ve covered your bases by romantically asking your date, “Will you fornicate with me?” and maybe even videotaped her responding to your request with eager eyes, saying “Yes, of course,” then maybe you should think again, and start stocking up those paper-and-ink “coitus contracts” for your sweetie to sign before the games begin.
Still, even that might not be enough, according to Emily Gemar, campus advocacy coordinator for OhioHealth’s Sexual Assault Response Network of Central Ohio. “If someone consents on a recording one time,” she says, “it doesn’t simply mean blanket consent for everything after that.”
So that would mean a signed contract for each steamy sack-session.
But wait, there’s more. According to Gemar, consent can legally be revoked at any time — including, I guess, right in the middle of things, which the lawyers at your trial would probably call “in flagrante.” (Everything sounds sexier in Latin, doesn’t it?)
So, young man, because a girl has the right to change her mind, don’t think you’re safe just because you got her signature on a contract before hitting the sack. Be sure to include a time-stamped line at the end of the contract for her to sign, testifying that your performance was satisfactory and welcomed from beginning to end, and that she didn’t change her mind about the whole thing sometime in the middle.
And then maybe add another line after that one for her to sign in case she wakes you up in the middle of the night to reward you for doing things the right way the first time around, if you know what I mean.
You can probably wait until the next day to get the document stamped by a notary public.
But assuming you’ve done all that, what next?
Well, young players, you should establish a folder for every girl you date, with a new form for her to sign each time you get frisky with her. And keep all those files, because you never know how many years down the road she might decide: “Yeah, you know, I didn’t really want to do that with him after all, way back then.” Because in most states, the statute of limitations for flawed friskiness can stretch for years or even decades.
And then, of course, don’t let your current girlfriend see where you keep the key to your filing cabinet, because she’ll probably want to rummage around in your files to see what other signatures you may have collected. She’ll be shocked to see that thick folder marked “Mary Lou,” who you said was just a friend. And it’ll be hard to explain that thin folder marked “Frank” that you filed right after that drunken camping trip.
Anyway, I’m sorry you had to read about all this today. Trust me, it wasn’t easy to write about coitus and contracts in the same sentence. It’s hard to balance lovemaking and lawyers.
But now that we’ve come this far… are you as turned on as I am?
If so, please sign your name at the bottom of this column, clip it out and return it to me. I’ll need it for my files, to prove that you were a willing reader all the way to the end, and that I didn’t just keep plodding along even though you changed your mind and checked out somewhere in the middle.
Because it’s important to do these things the right way.
Author, musician and storyteller TR Kerth is a retired teacher who has lived in Sun City Huntley since 2003. Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Can’t wait for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Then get TR’s book, “Revenge of the Sardines,” available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online book distributors.
