There are several holiday foods that people either love or hate. The first one that comes to mind is eggnog. This is a slightly slimy mixture of raw eggs and milk laced with enough bourbon to kill the salmonella in the raw eggs. I’m referring to fresh eggnog, not the non-refrigerated chemical concoctions that you can buy at the store with a shelf life of two generations. Nancy just loves her 4th of July eggnog.
The second is a Jello mold. This translucent blob with various food items magically suspended in it, sits on a platter at your table, eerily quivering.
Last, but not least, is the venerable fruitcake. This luscious brick of fruits and nuts, weighing more than a Volkswagen, is the king of holiday treats. The subject matter of this article was suggested by our son who is pro fruitcake. He shipped two of our reviewed selections from Florida via FedEx. We’re not sure if he had to pay by the pound, or if there was an extra charge to transport hazardous materials.
Here is a short history of fruitcake that we know has been weighing on your mind lately. Fruitcake goes all the way back to ancient Rome where they made it with pomegranate seeds, pine nuts, and raisins in a cake made out of barley mash, yum. As time went on, the recipe evolved to the culinary masterpiece we know and love today. From the 19th century on, fruitcake became a traditional wedding cake in England. In the Caribbean, fruitcake is soaked in rum for months. Since alcohol kills bacteria, some fruitcakes have a shelf life of 25 years!!! The oldest fruitcake on record has been held by a family for over 130 years. It is a family heirloom so no one is looking to eat it, also because it is used as their doorstop.
To guide you through the daunting task of which fruitcake to buy, we will review four of them for you. We will also feature guest reviews by the up and coming Eggers’ food critics, 5-1/2 year old twins Ana and Greta with their 8 year old brother Henrik. They will comment on two fruitcakes that were imported from the fruitcake capital of the world, the great state of Florida. Following is a list of “The Good, The Bad, and The Gooey,” starting with the bad.
#4 CRACKER BARREL (Imported from Florida)
This fruitcake was lighter in color and crumbled to the touch. Could it have been leftover from the last millennium? The specks of fruits and nuts highlighted the strange chemical taste. Thumbs down from Ana and Greta. Henrik ran from the room screaming. On the plus side, it made a great fire starter for our fireplace. The candied fruit gave off pretty red and green flames.
#3 TOM’S FARM MARKET
A dark-colored brick of delight containing more nuts and cake than candied fruits. Nancy didn’t like the overpowering taste of molasses and felt it needed more fruit. I thought it needed some sweetness and gooeyness.
#2 PUBLIX SUPER MARKET (Imported from Florida)
This yule log had big chunks of fruits and nuts and was much tastier than the last two fruitcakes. It received a thumbs-up from Ana, thumbs down from Greta. Henrik, again, ran screaming from the room.
We know you are all on the edge of your seats wondering which is the king of all fruitcakes, the queen of candied fruit, and the gooey prince of nuts. You shall wait no longer. The “BEST AND TASTIEST” fruitcake (is that an oxymoron?) is:
#1 COSTCO WHOLESALE
This giant ring of large pieces of fruits and nuts contained just enough cake and goo to hold this monstrosity together. I actually loved it. Jim even said it almost resembled an edible food product.
DINING DUO TIP: Pick one up when you go to Costco to get your hearing aids cleaned for the holidays!
As you can tell, our opinion varies greatly on the pros and cons of fruitcake. Here’s some more stuff that you can try and digest. If you enjoy this holiday staple, mark your calendars for December 27, which is National Fruitcake Day. If you detest fruitcake like Jim does, then mark your calendars for January 7, which is National Fruitcake Toss Day. Every year in Manitou Springs, Colorado, they hold a contest to see who can throw their fruitcakes the farthest and with the greatest accuracy.
Remember, fruitcake is a gift that keeps on giving, year after year after year…
