Allow us to paraphrase the great philosopher, Clark W. Griswold in the movie Christmas Vacation. “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re going to press on, and we’re going to have the happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat butt down that chimney, he’s going to find the jolliest bunch of morons this side of the nuthouse!!!” This describes the Dining Duo’s Christmas perfectly. Normally we travel to Florida over the Christmas holiday season. However, due to the pandemic’s travel restrictions, we are staying home this year.
What follows is a week by week “Advent Calendar” of our adventures during our staycation.
Four Weeks Before Christmas: Outdoor Christmas Decorations
Nancy and I live on a corner lot and we love to put up Christmas decorations. This year, armed with an iPad, credit card, and an Amazon account, we significantly added to our existing ice skating pond display, and stimulated the economy with various lighted items. This includes a snowman juggling packages, a train full of Christmas presents, and an ice skating Snoopy and Charlie Brown (Woodstock could not be found). After two days of hard work, it was complete. Nancy and I sought refuge by the fireplace in our screened in porch. We smoked cigars, and Nancy treated herself to an adult beverage.
Three Weeks Before Christmas: Christmas Cookies
I start baking my assortment of cookies and hiding them from Jim. One time I didn’t hide them and there were only cookie crumbs left on Christmas morning. It’s not too hard to hide them. After all, Jim is a man and if it’s not right in front of him, he won’t be able to find them.
The rope lighting in our winter wonderland bites the dust. We have to order new lights from Amazon. Time for another cigar and a cup of brandied egg nog.
Two Weeks Before Christmas: Fixing the Christmas Decorations
Replace the dead rope lighting. Daily casualty count: Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and our skating snowman fall face down. Santa’s little elf, Jim, to the rescue!!! Time for more cigars and mugs of hot buttered rum.
One Week Before Christmas: Cooking
Nancy spends a whole day cooking my favorite dinner, Beef Bourguignon. She freezes it for Christmas Day. I know there must be Christmas cookies hidden somewhere, I can smell them.
The leg lamp from the movie Christmas Story falls off its “FRAGILE” box from the wind. Santa’s not so jolly helper, Jim, to the rescue with string and duct tape. Time for another cigar and a juice glass full of Fireball Whiskey.
Christmas Day: Gingerbread House
Every year I build a gingerbread house with the grandkids in Florida. This year was virtual. The kids built theirs, and I built mine. We did this over a Zoom call with “repeated encouragement” from my little helper, Jack Daniels. I was getting loopy, my icing was getting droopy, and the candy was sliding off the roof. The grandkids’ gingerbread houses looked much better than mine, but by this time, I didn’t have a care in the world.
Jim and I sat down for a wonderful Christmas meal. He found the Christmas cookies. It’s a Christmas miracle!!! Time for another cigar to celebrate no casualties with our winter wonderland and the completion of our Christmas “Staycation.” No adult beverage for me, I’m on the wagon!!!
We would like to leave you with this holiday poem. May we NEVER see the likes of 2020 again!!!
T’was the end of 2020,
In the house we all hid,
Not a creature was stirring,
Except for Covid.
The masks were all hung on our car mirrors with care,
We drove to the store to see if toilet paper was still there.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But hand sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, and tissue, so dear.
On Clorox, on Lysol, on Charmin, and Scott.
You can never have enough, no matter how much you’ve got.
I filled up my cart,
My house will be clean,
Let’s hope in 2021,
We all get a vaccine!!!
Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!!!
