Q. My friend’s dad recently passed away, unexpectedly. He was 69 years old and in rather decent health, so it came as a shock to everyone he knew. My friend is coping well considering the circumstances. However, she and her family felt completely unprepared to plan his funeral. They had a great relationship, but never discussed his funeral preferences. That got me thinking about my own parents, who are reaching older age. I don’t want to be caught unprepared regarding any circumstance that might arise in the future. Do you have a list of questions adult children should ask their aging parents?
A. My heart goes out to you, your friend, and her family. Losing a loved one is never easy, especially when it happens unexpectedly.
While this situation is devastating, it does present an opportunity from which to learn. Many other adult children have been in similar places as your friend because they put off having difficult conversations with their aging parents.
Here are a few questions to guide you and your parents as you sit down to discuss their next life stage. I’ve included a long list that includes multiple scenarios.
• Do you have a health and financial power of attorney and who are they?
• Do you have a living will or trust? Have you named an executor and if so, who?
• Do you have advanced directives in place and what are they?
o(Discuss DNR, feeding tubes, ventilators, and organ donation)
• Are there any circumstances in which you would want extraordinary measures taken?
• Where can I find your legal documents, should I need them?
• Do you have a lawyer that also has this information? How can I contact them?
• Do you have life insurance? Where can I find the policy?
• Who is your emergency contact? Can I be included (as appropriate)?
• Where do you want to spend your golden years? Do you want to stay in your home until death or are you open to moving to a senior community should you need such care? (Discuss circumstances such as dementia or stroke.)
• Are you open to in-home care, should you need it?
• Would you ever want palliative care or hospice care? When? Where would you prefer to receive such services?
• Who are your doctors and what ongoing appointments do you have?
• What medications are you on?
• Are you in good financial standing?
• What financial accounts do you have? Do you have a financial planner and what is their contact information?
• Do you have a long-term care policy?
• What utilities are in your name? (Water, garbage, gas, electricity, cable, phone, internet, cell phone.)
• What other subscriptions do you have? (Streaming services, newspapers, magazines, etc.)
• Do you have debt that I need to be aware of? (Mortgage, car payments, loans, credit cards, etc.)
• Have you made any advanced funeral arrangements? Where can I find the information? Discuss songs, religious and/or other readings, eulogies, obituary, monetary donations, flowers, etc.
• Do you prefer cremation or burial? Do you have a burial plot? What would you like done with your ashes?
I recommend picking a few to discuss at a time. Give your parents time to process and respond. Suggest your parents create a binder that contains copies of legal documents, as well as pertinent contact information. The important take-away is to have the conversation, no matter how awkward it might be.
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