Eggnog and zombies are never going to work together

During a recent trip to the library, my 4yo son and I stumbled upon the children’s book Green Lizards vs. Red Rectangles by Steve Antony. It’s this delightfully weird little story about an army of little green lizards battling an army of red rectangles (if you can imagine it), and its core lesson of learning how to work together, especially when chaos ensues and tempers flare, is demonstrated so simply it can’t be anything but poignant. It’s a good read, and I suggest anyone (whether you’re a parent or not) to take a quick trip to the library and spend a few minutes with Green Lizards vs. Red Rectangles.

The book is especially apt today, where people are drawing sides daily it seems. Republicans vs. Democrats. Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice. Vax vs. Anti-Vax. The list goes on. And on. And on.

But for all these contests and battles of picket signs, I don’t see anyone talking about the real problem we’re facing today:

Eggnog in grocery stores already.

It’s not even Halloween. For all mandates floating around, why is no one mandating against this madness?

I understand, though I don’t agree, stores selling Christmas decorations a month or two ahead of time (obviously so people have them for when the holiday season arrives). But there’s no logical basis for eggnog to hit a shelf in mid-October. None.

I get it. People like eggnog. My son is addicted to it, and if he could have it year round, he would. But eggnog is a hallmark of the holiday season. A sign that the holidays have arrived, ushering in that warm and familiar burst of holiday spirit that many eagerly anticipate. Selling eggnog in October is not only confusing, but it dumbs down the holiday buzz because when the holidays finally do arrive, eggnog is old news. And it hits different this time of year, too. It’s missing something. Oh, yeah, the holidays! You’re not supposed to calmly sip on your eggnog while fondly staring at your zombie decoration on your front lawn.

In my opinion, it’s a blatant money grab by grinches in black suits. And it’s working. Since we first saw it in the cooler section a couple weeks ago, my son has probably gone through ten quarts. My wife, too, has even moved on from pumpkin spice everything (a controversial topic if there ever was one) to eggnog.

In fact, my son just ran into my office while I write this, jumped up and down, exclaiming, “I’m super excited to go apple picking.” We’re doing that tomorrow with some family. And that fits. Apple picking. Pumpkin picking. Apple cider donuts, caramel apples, pumpkin and/or apple pie, apple cider. These are all fall things. Nowhere on that list of things for tomorrow is eggnog.

On principle alone, eggnog makers, I’ll personally pass. The little green lizards and big red rectangles may have learned to work together in harmony in Antony’s book, but we’ll forever be at an impasse on this topic. You may have gotten my son and wife, but you can take your preemptive holiday pandering somewhere else. See you in the cooler aisle after Thanksgiving.

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