Q. It has been a long-standing tradition that we all gather for Christmas dinner. Last year, we forwent this tradition considering the COVID pandemic. This year, however, many are planning to participate. My elderly parents have hosted Christmas dinner for this group since my siblings and I moved out of their home as adults. As I was helping my mom make plans for Christmas, I sensed she was feeling stressed and anxious. Our final group count is 37. My parents strongly desire to host but are also slowing down in their elder years. Do you have any suggestions to help us as we plan?
A. First, I think this is a wonderful situation to have to sort through. It must mean the world to your parents that the entire family wants to continue this holiday tradition. As families grow, it’s normal for traditions to evolve. Perhaps it’s time that your family thinks about evolving this tradition so that your elderly parents can enjoy a stress-free holiday.
I suggest you first have a candid conversation with your siblings and parents. I’m not sure how frequently your siblings visit your parents, but they could be completely unaware about how your mom is feeling. Ask your parents if they want to continue this tradition or if they would prefer that someone else takes the reins. It’s possible that they feel they need permission to step down. If this is the case, it sounds like it’s time for someone else in the family to carry on this holiday tradition.
If your parents insist on hosting, simplify what the dinner looks like. They could cater the meal, so that they don’t have the stress of meal planning and preparation. Family units could all bring a side dish to share, while your parents provide the main course. Keep clean up a breeze by using paper plates and cups. As a gift, offer to pay for a one-time house cleaning service a few days before the event. Ask everyone to help clean up before they go home. You can make this fun and include the kids.
Another option is to consider downsizing the group. Instead of everyone gathering for one large dinner, your parents could host smaller groups over the holiday season. They might appreciate more intimate gatherings so that they can fully engage with each separate family.
Lastly, as holidays tradition evolve, it’s normal to feel a little sad about what once was. Instead of dwelling on the change, focus on the why behind your family celebration. When you keep the true spirit of the holiday season alive, you’re more likely to experience joy during change.
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