Q. I’m writing about my father who is approaching his 90th birthday. He is my mother’s primary caregiver, who’s in her mid-eighties and has early-stage dementia. They live in a single-family home. I’m fortunate to live nearby and pop in often to visit. They also come to our home for dinner regularly. While he’s in relatively good health, I’m growing concerned about his driving ability. He doesn’t drive too far and seems to have set his own limits (such as not driving at night). However, I’m not sure how long he should continue driving, even locally. I recognize that taking away the car keys would greatly detriment his independence. I want to respect him while also keeping him and other drivers on the road safe. Do you have any tips on how to approach this subject?
A. Many family members often wonder about their aging relatives’ ability to remain safe behind the wheel. As you mentioned, taking away an older adult’s car keys can be traumatic and significantly lose their independence. It can cause some to feel depressed and isolated, especially if they don’t have a strong support network.
Age alone is not a reason to take away an older adult’s keys. However, many older adults suffer from chronic health conditions that put them at risk behind the wheel. Other age-related changes, such as changes in vision and hearing, slower reaction times, memory decline, and poor fine motor skills, can also affect how an older adult operates a motor vehicle.
It’s important that adult children have a conversation with their aging parents about driving and when to take away the keys. Here are a few tips to help guide you through this conversation while also respecting your father.
It sounds like your dad still has most of his faculties. Ideally, the two of you should start by having a candid conversation about this subject. Ask him how he feels behind the wheel. Talk about why he decided to stop driving at night. Discuss when he feels like he should no longer drive. Share your own concerns and discuss alternative transportation options.
If he doesn’t see any problems with his driving, you can approach his doctor. Many older adults value their doctor’s opinion over their families, especially when it comes to difficult topics such as driving. Call his doctor and ask if they can discuss safe driving with him at his next appointment. You can also get his eye doctor involved, especially if he has poor vision.
Another approach you can take is to suggest he take a safe driver program for seniors. Agree that if he passes the course, he can continue to drive as long as his doctor sees fit. Remind him that you care about him and are a concerned daughter. Taking this course would put your mind at ease.
If he’s still resistant, you can always schedule an appointment with his family attorney. Discuss the risks of your dad continuing to drive. What would happen should he be cited for an accident? Discuss liability and how that affects his estate, especially in the event of serious injury or death. He might be willing to hang up the keys after hearing what his attorney says.
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