EVERYDAY HEALTH, in its April 2022 newsletter, invites us into the realm of those grieving, especially on the loss of a loved one – such as a parent, spouse, sibling, daughter or son, friend, or pet – even the loss of a job or romantic relationship. Psychologist Sigmund Freud published a 1917 essay on the subject which he called “grief work.” He described it “as a period of time following a loss when a person must process or work through their thoughts, memories, and emotions in order to move on with life.”
Matthew Ratcliffe, PhD, a grief researcher at the University of York, England, says “Many people find themselves bewildered and disoriented by grief. The whole world can seem changed by someone’s death. Nothing looks quite the same anymore – everything appears lacking, strange, unfamiliar.”
Some of the most outstanding emotional symptoms of grief include yearning, sadness, shock, denial, numbness, anger, guilt, and helplessness. While grief can lead to poor concentration and confusion, as well as forgetfulness, it can also produce physical symptoms such as difficulty breathing, headaches, gastrointestinal discomfort, nausea, pain, and fatigue.
Freud’s theory on the subject thought that full resolution of the loss was necessary to move forward in life. Subsequent work on the subject has proven, however, that grief shows up in different ways for all of us. Therefore, coping with the emotion can look just as diverse. Some experience tremendous distress, while others feel only mild or even absent sorrow. Some people state that grief can be felt through their feeling bodies, rather than just through their thoughts. The authors of a 2011 paper on current trends in grief counseling state that “grief work,” established through Freud’s work, is not a useful strategy for everyone. Cultural variation occurs throughout the world. There is no one “right way” to establish grief management due to a person’s unique experience in life.
Nevertheless, here are coping strategies that have evidence backing their benefits:
1. Make Time for Introspection and Reflection. For example, reconstruct your life’s meaning through spending more time with your living loved ones. You may also choose to journal or write about how your lost loved one benefited your life.
2. Talk to Someone About It. According to J. William Worden, PhD, psychologist with Boston’s Harvard Medical School, “talking through one’s grief can lead to a more complete awareness that the loss actually has occurred.”
3. Stay Connected (in Some Way) With Whomever You’ve Lost. The old Freudian mold psychologists encouraged grieving people to “let go” and “move on.” Professor Ratcliffe explains, “One might let go of certain things, but one does not ordinarily let go entirely.” Here are four ways that grieving people maintain bonds with their lost loved ones:
a. Sensing the presence of the departed person near you or at your side.
b. Talking to the deceased individual either in your head or out loud.
c. Making your loved departed person into a moral guide for your life: “What would he/she have done in a future particularly puzzling dilemma?”
d. Talking with others, who knew your lost one, to find out more about him/her.
Ratcliffe states that these forms of connections are not the same as an “inability to accept what has happened (and) may be a sign of grief that edges toward the realm of disorder.” A diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder lasting at least six months or longer after the loss of a loved one might call for the necessity of professional guidance. This therapy might take place over a 16 weekly session course with a trained therapist.
Sun City also provides its own Special Interest Grief Support Group led by Diana Gonzales (847-515-2409) and Dave Gerber (224-858-7225). This group offers an understanding and empathetic social connection amongst widows and widowers choosing to meet with one another.
