Q. My family and I plan to visit my parents over the summer. We live out of state and usually get together about four times a year. Since COVID, our visits have spread out. They haven’t been out to visit us yet, stating they’re concerned about variants of COVID as they travel. My parents are approaching their 80s. I noticed during our last visit that they seem to be struggling. My sister lives nearby but doesn’t appear too concerned for their health. She also heavily relies upon them, specifically my mom, to watch her children while she works. I didn’t want to say anything during our last visit, given that it was over the holidays. Yet, I’m very concerned for them and want to be sure they are doing ok. How can I approach this conversation without causing a rift in our family?
A. It can be very difficult to watch our loved ones age, especially if it’s a parent. You bring up a very good topic that most adult children put off until it’s too late. However, there comes the point when adult children need to ensure that their aging parents are healthy and safe. I always recommend that adult children start this conversation early on before an emergency happens.
I suggest finding a quiet moment to share your concerns, perhaps after your kids are in bed (or before they wake up, if they sleep late in the morning). If necessary, take your parents out for lunch, just the three of you, so that you can have quality time together.
Start the conversation by asking them how they’re doing. Ask them about their health, how they’ve been feeling and what their doctors say. This opens the door for you to share your perspective. Simply say you’ve noticed they seem to be slowing down, and you are concerned for their health and well-being.
Talk about safety concerns and how you can help address them during your visit. If necessary, schedule another trip to fix common household hazards, such as loose floor boards or uneven sidewalks.
Ask your parents what their plans are should their health begin to decline. Are they relying on your sister to help? Is she aware and capable of providing hands-on care? Would they consider home care or moving to a senior living community? Offer to explore options with them so they don’t feel overwhelmed.
Keep in mind that your parents may feel caught off-guard if you approach the conversation accusingly. You can bring up your perspective about your sister relying upon them for childcare but do so respectfully. Ask them how they feel. Perhaps they look forward to the time with their grandchildren, or it gives them a sense of purpose.
Lastly, you may want to have a separate conversation with your sister. Share your own concerns about your parents and hear what she says. Sometimes we can be so close to the situation that we don’t see our loved ones slowing down. It’s possible she hasn’t noticed anything different because she visits so frequently. Reassure her that you have everyone’s best interests in mind and that you’re there to help in any way you can.
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