Q. My husband and I, along with our two boys (7 & 5), are visiting my husband’s grandmother in a few weeks. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen her, as we live out-of-state. She currently lives in a memory care facility. My father-in-law has told us that she mostly has good days. She’s very forgetful but seems healthy otherwise. I’m writing for suggestions as to what to do during our visit. She’s always been hard of hearing, and conversation can be challenging, even before she had dementia. Do you have any tips or suggestions to help us have a meaningful visit?
A. I empathize with your concern about visiting a loved one with memory loss. Although most older adults living with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia enjoy many meaningful moments, some days are more challenging than others. Here are a few tips to help you and your family make the most of your visit.
If possible, try to visit your grandmother earlier in the day, preferably before lunch — most older adults with dementia fair better earlier in the day than in the late afternoon and evening. Aim to arrive between 10 and 10:30 a.m., after she’s had breakfast and the care staff has had time to get her ready. Let the facility know that you’re planning to visit. This gives them a head’s up and ensures she’ll be available and not out on a group outing or participating in a group activity.
Find a quiet space where you all can visit uninterrupted. Ask the staff to point you to a space if her room is unavailable. The quieter the location, the easier it will be for your grandma to hear. Turn off all background noise, such as the television or radio.
Many older adults find great joy in being in the presence of young children. Your boys are at the perfect age to bring her great joy. Suggest they bring their favorite book or game to share with their great-grandmother. Print out photos of your boys and give them as a gift to your grandmother.
As you visit, lean on reminiscing with your grandmother. Reminiscing is essentially indulging in enjoyable past moments. Most older adults with dementia thrive in reminiscent conversation. It’s easier for them to recall past events than to discuss what’s happening today or even what they did yesterday. Since she has a son and you have two boys, reminisce about raising boys. Ask her what it was like to raise your father-in-law and how she kept him out of trouble. Even if your boys are complete angels, ask her advice about handling discipline or unruly boys. Other reminiscences include motherhood, summer vacations, holiday traditions, and childhood.
One final suggestion is to have an exit strategy. If you plan to visit in the late morning, an easy way to exit is to say goodbye when it’s her lunchtime. You can escort her to the dining room before leaving and thank her for her time. Try not to make promises that you cannot keep. If she asks when you’ll be back to visit, let her know that you’ll plan a visit soon.
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