Today is February 23 — one of the least-sexy days of the year.
Of course, “sexy” can be defined in different metaphorical ways. If by “sexy” you mean “important or exciting,” then there’s plenty of sexy to go around on this date in history.
After all, it was on this day in 1945 that six US servicemen raised the flag on Iwo Jima. And on this day in 1954, the first polio vaccines were given in Pittsburgh. And also on this day in 1836, the siege of The Alamo began in Texas.
Those are the kind of events that turn history nerds all a-tingle.
But if we turn to the original meaning of “sexy,” as in “arousing or appealing in a carnal way,” then, yeah, February 23 has got to fall pretty low on your tingle-meter.
But I don’t want to speak for you. Maybe you feel that late February is the sexiest time of all. If so, go ahead, strip yourself naked and stand in front of that full-length mirror. Like what you see? Ready to hit the beach with that toned, tanned, tight, late-February physique? Are you casting lusty glances at your partner as they shuffle off to the shower?
Yeah, not so much. That’s what I thought.
Because if people were inspired to get together in some sexy way in late February, then you would expect to see a bump in population sometime around November, right? But November is tenth on the list of baby birthday months, eclipsed only by last-on-the-list February (thanks to having only 28 days), and April, whose babies would have been conceived in hot, sweaty, “hell-no-not-tonight” July.
In fact, if you check a list of the most-to-least common birthday dates, about half of the bottom dozen or so dates fall in November.
The least common day to have a birthday, of course, is February 29 — leap day, whose celebrants blow out the candles only once every four years. But by and large, November is generally pretty quiet in the maternity wing, thanks to un-sexy February. Also near the bottom is October 31, which is close enough to count as November.
That’s how un-sexy February is. It’s so un-sexy, I actually spent time doing this research instead of…well, you know. But, hey, we’ve come this far, and there’s nothing less sexy than quitting in the middle, so….
The most common time to be born seems to be in September, with 13 of the top 15 birthdays falling in that month. Nine of the top ten birthdays fall between September 9-20.
And when were all those babies conceived?
Well, their clocks started ticking during the sexiest month of all—December. Because who can resist all that holiday canoodling during those extra days off from work, after sitting by the fire and sharing just one more rum-soaked mug of eggnog? And then, of course, that mistletoe always gets you a bit wild and crazy to start the new year right.
While we’re at it, what do you think are the least-common birthday dates? The answer might surprise you.
After February 29, the rarest birthday of all is December 25 — Christmas day. Followed by New Year’s Day. Add January 2, and also December 24 and 26, and you’ve got 6 of the 7 least-common birthdays.
Of course, the holidays have more to do with those diminished numbers than just simple biology. After all, caesarean births and induced births are rarely scheduled on holidays. As further evidence, July 4 also falls close to the bottom of birthdays, as do November 23 and 24, which would be right around Thanksgiving. So don’t go blaming March or April for robbing us of December-holiday birthdays. Because, let’s face it, our blood starts stirring again in March and April, right?
But still, when it comes to biology, you can’t deny how un-sexy late February is when you glance at how few babies are born in November. You can’t blame those low numbers on delayed caesarians or induced births. There’s only one answer to those un-sexy numbers, and we’re mired in the middle of it right now.
You want further evidence? Well, what are you wearing right now? I don’t ask the question in any perverted, mouth-breathing way. I mean what clothes did you throw on this morning to face the world? Or are you still wearing your pajamas or sweatpants so late in the day?
If you looked up “Sexy” and “Un-sexy” in the encyclopedia, which entry would have your picture next to it right now? How about your partner’s picture?
So, yeah, if it seems to you that late February is bleak and un-sexy, you’re right.
You want final, conclusive proof of how un-sexy February 23rd is? Well, you just read this boring, data-dense column all the way to its woeful end instead of wadding it up and going for a cuddle. So there.
I rest my case.
TR Kerth is the author of the book “Revenge of the Sardines.” Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com.
