The U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, recently issued an advisory about the mental health and well-being of parents. Research shows that 33% of parents reported experiencing high stress in the last month compared to 20% of other adults.
This got my attention. The only other Surgeon Generalâs advisory I can think of is the one on cigarette cartons. But parenting? Is it true that parenting is hazardous to our health?
I became a parent 28 years ago. Four children later, with three of them launched and the youngest finishing high school, I find myself reviewing and pondering the many, many benchmarks Iâve witnessed as a parent to my children. No one can make me laugh as hard, or think more deeply because of their philosophical questions, as my kids. For nearly three decades my husband and I have been saddled with this huge responsibility to raise our kids to be ready for, well, everything. They must be college ready, financially responsible, good citizens, empathetic but not pushovers; strong enough to stand up for their beliefs without trampling on others. From potty training to pretending to calmly sit in the passenger seat while your new teen driver gets behind the wheel, parents are expected to be loving and supportive disciplinarians, teachers, nurses, nutrition experts, chauffeurs, and confidantes. We must choose the right schools, the right friends, and healthy meals. We must always know where they are, but we must not hover. We must monitor screen time, tummy time, naptime, and timeouts.Â
Most of the stress comes not from the kids, but from the expectations that are placed on us â or that we perceive are placed on us. At every turn, there is the capacity to seriously mess it up. âExpertsâ are no help, either, because they can hardly agree on anything. Should you hold your infant a lot so she feels loved, safe, and comforted, or should you let the baby cry it out so she learns to self-soothe? Is private school better than public school? Are 12-year-olds too young to be home alone? Which movies are appropriate? What are the rules regarding makeup, driving, or curfew? Itâs dizzying.
Itâs all very confusing for parents, and the confusion is compounded by sleep deprivation. I swear my first child didnât sleep more than 30 minutes at a time for the first 6 months. By the time we had four kids, my husband and I suspected they had organized themselves in shifts so that we were actively parenting at least one of them for roughly 22 hours a day. We were outnumbered, and they knew it. If one was napping, another was tantrum-ing. Instead of getting the flu all at once, they would get it in consecutively so that weâd be in full-on sick house mode for a solid month.
Dr. Murthy lays out what he says are necessary for parents and caregivers so that the entire community thrives: Supports like paid time off, reliable mental health care, affordable child care, and safe playgrounds, libraries, and community centers. These are big-picture things that lean on the government and employers, but Murthy says individuals can be helpful, too.
âToo often, when someone is struggling, we wait for an invitation to help, or perhaps we worry we donât have anything of value to offer,â he writes.
Murthy says when his child was four months old, he and his wife were tired, stressed out, and overwhelmed. A friend came over and played with the baby for 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes! Years later, Murthy still remembers how that small window of rest helped lower stress. âMy friend probably thought nothing of it,â he says, âbut that feeling of relief and gratitude is still fresh for me.â
This is absolutely true. If a friend offered to take my kids for the evening so we could have a date night, or a neighbor came by with a meal, gratitude would blur my vision. I felt cared for and loved. I could make it through another day, or maybe even a week, before my next meltdown.
We are in the midst of a kidsâ mental health crisis tacked onto an epidemic of loneliness. The dangers of social media, bullying, and gun violence are daily realities for children as young as kindergarten. All of the blame for this could easily fall squarely on the shoulders of parents. But Dr. Murthy reframes it for us: Just like we are told to put on our own oxygen mask in a plane before helping the person beside us, we are reminded that parents are doing a tough job that requires self-care and outside support for success. We are all just winging it, after all.Â
Raising the next generation is a noble task, and parents shouldnât feel alone. Parenting is stressful, but it can also be joyful. This has always been true and will continue to be. We just need to tip the scales a bit in favor of joy.
