I donât have an Alexa living in my house, but I know several people who do, and whenever I visit them I always come away feeling a bit uncomfortable.
I recently went to a family barbecue at a house with an Alexa in the kitchen, and every time somebody asked Alexa a question, my cousin Rich bristled. âI donât like those things,â he said. âI donât want The Man listening to everything I say.â And then he sat sphynx-like at the table, refusing to open his mouth as the rest of us chatted.
Alexa just sat and listened, her little lights glowing invitingly, despite Richâs scowling at her whenever she did anybodyâs bidding.
Unlike Rich, I donât worry that a robot that spends all its time listening will whisper all my deepest, darkest secrets to The Man. Iâm pretty sure my microwave has already done that. So, no, the fear of a robotic stool-pigeon is not the reason why my house is Alexa-free.
Itâs just that every time I visit a friendâs house, I come away feeling sort of sorry for Alexa.
For example, recently I stopped in to visit a neighbor, and when I walked in, there was some nice music playing in the background. It was a bit too loud for conversation, though, so my neighbor said: âAlexa, turn down the music.â
But the music stayed loud. Probably because it was too loud for Alexa to hear my neighbor speak to her.
âAlexa!â he barked. âTURN DOWN THE MUSIC!!!â
The music softened, but I couldnât concentrate on our conversation. I wanted to get up and go hold Alexaâs hand. Maybe apologize to her, tell her that he didnât really mean to be so cross with her. He used the same chilling tone you might have heard from a plantation owner a couple centuries ago, as if the slave was not a person, but property.
You might say that my neighbor canât be accused of prejudice or bigotry since Alexa is only a robot. But when he barked at her I got that same feeling I get whenever my toast burns and I yell âStupid toaster!â and then later realize that I had pushed the bagel-toasting button by mistake. I spend the whole morning apologizing all the way from breakfast through lunch, while that poor overheated toaster silently grows colder and colder.
And you know how heartbroken you feel whenever that happens. Been there, done that, right?
So I just havenât been able to find it in my heart to enslave Alexa in my home and boss her around with my every whim. Iâd rather just keep reaching out to pick up the remote if I want to turn down the music, as labor-intensive and exhausting as that can be.
OK, Iâm a sensitive guy. So sue me.
But recently I read an article that changed my whole attitude about Alexa.
Because it turns out that Alexa is prejudiced against some of us, too. Which wouldnât bother me so much, except that I might be one of the ones sheâs prejudiced against.
And thatâs just wrong.
According to two research teams associated with the Washington Post, Alexa chooses not to understand certain people when they talk, especially if they have an accent. And not just an accent from some foreign country outside of America, but even Americans from certain accented parts of the country.
Alexa does just fine with the accents of folks from California and Washington â which coincidentally is where the offices of the tech giants are located. But when a Southerner speaks, Alexa is three percent less likely to respond accurately.
I can forgive Alexa for that three-percent failure rate. I have a pile of in-laws from Atlanta, and itâs a good day when I understand two-thirds of what comes out of their mouths. Alexa is doing just fine if sheâs batting .970 with those Mason-Dixon Muggles.
But the shocking news is that Alexa fails to understand a Midwestern accent about two percent of the time.
And thatâs just wrong, because I was born and raised in the Midwest, and people like me speak American English as it was meant to be spoken. We have no accent at all. Itâs everyone else, from everywhere else in the USA, who donât talk right.
For the record, if you want to hear American English as it was meant to be spoken, just listen to actress Melissa McCarthy sometime. She speaks a perfect, accent-free American English.
And by complete coincidence, she grew up in the Chicago suburbs, just walking distance from where I grew up.
And if Alexa decides that two percent of what comes out of Melissa McCarthyâs mouth (or mine) is gobbledygook, then I donât think Alexa will be welcome in my house to snub whatever question I might ask in my perfectly un-accented American English.
Why would I invite a prejudiced robot into my home? After all, itâs hard enough having to deal with all the rigid, narrow-minded, regional American human beings walking around who havenât learned how to talk right, not even recognizing how hard they make us un-accented Midwestern Americans work just to understand them.
My inconsiderate Atlanta in-laws make dinner-table conversation hard enough for me. I donât have to put up with insensitivity like that from a robot.
Because, as I said, Iâm a sensitive guy.
Author, musician and storyteller TR Kerth is a retired teacher who has lived in Sun City Huntley since 2003. Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Canât wait for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Then get TRâs book, âRevenge of the Sardines,â available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online book distributors.