More than one way to skin a … cantaloupe?

When I read that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) urged all Americans to be a little more sensitive with our animal metaphors by banning phrases like “bringing home the bacon,” or “your goose is cooked,” I reacted as I think any sensitive American would.

I got hungry.

To my credit, I didn’t dash off to fry up some bacon and eggs, because there is no bacon in my house. No eggs, either.

I can hear PETA cheering me—until they learn that I’m only bacon-and-eggless because I wolfed down all my pork-and-poultry breakfast supplies yesterday morning, when I awoke so hungry I could have eaten a horse. So to speak.

So this morning I cooked a hotdog instead, guilt-free because the jury is still out as to whether there’s any actual beef or chicken or pork in a hot dog. (Unless, that is, hot dogs really are made of dog. That would be wrong on so many levels beyond the linguistic.)

Still, Peta has a point, don’t they? After all, we pack our daily language with a lot of animal similes and metaphors, and only a hare-brained jackass would ignore how our beastly brethren might feel about it. (I mean… um….)

To raise our sensitivity on the issue, the PETA folks unleashed a galloping herd of insensitive animal-cruelty metaphors for you, one after another, on and on, at the risk of beating a dead horse.

A few items that Peta would like to muzzle: Kill two birds with one stone. Take the bull by the horns. Be the guinea pig.

The list goes on and on.

He’s a dead duck. I’m dog-tired. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.

And to PETA’s credit, they don’t ask that we drop those phrases altogether, because sometimes a good metaphor is worth a thousand words. To help, they list some animal-friendly alternatives to say the same old thing.

For example, we might swap “Bring home the bacon” with a kinder and gentler “Bring home the bagels.” (Never mind that a switch like that might cause gluten-sensitive folks to kick like a mule.)

PETA also suggests dumping “Take the bull by the horns,” and instead saying “Take the rose by the thorns,” which sounds like the perfect motto for next year’s Running of the Rutabaga festival in Pamplona, Spain.

Look, I’m as sensitive as the next guy, but holy cow, all this vocabulary vigilance is exhausting.

With my hotdog eaten and my hunger sated, I picked up a book and flopped down on the couch to begin the rest of my couch-potato day.

But wait…What gives me the right to say “couch potato” to describe my lazy lounging lassitude? That’s pretty insensitive too, isn’t it? After all, how would those spuds feel about being compared to a guy so inert he needs a sofa to keep him from slumping to the floor when he “vegges out?” I’ll expect howls of protest from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Produce (PETP) any time now for talking like a raging anti-veggite.

Because produce are people too, right?

And if I simply swap my insensitive animal metaphors for insensitive plant metaphors, then the insult-acorn hasn’t fallen very far from the tree (with my apologies to all you sensitive oak-stewards out there. What right do I have to ponder where a tree’s beloved offspring might end up? I can hear the People for the Ethical Treatment of Trees [PETT] clearing their throats.)

Of course we need to purge insensitivity from our language, but we shouldn’t do it by swapping one prejudice for another. It’s an easy web to get snared in, because language is a beehive of pea-brained insensitivity with all kinds of toads lurking like snakes in the acorn-littered forest.

In the end, maybe the safest course of action to avoid offending anybody or anything is just to clam up.

Oops, sorry, People for the Ethical Treatment of Mollusks [PETM].

Author, musician and storyteller TR Kerth is a retired teacher who has lived in Sun City Huntley since 2003. Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Can’t wait for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Then get TR’s book, “Revenge of the Sardines,” available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online book distributors.

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