One of my most popular Happy Trails to date was when a I published a two-part series of quotes by my wife when she was pregnant with our son. They were little blurbs of funny things she said about her pregnancy or upcoming parenthood. It went over famously with readers but not so much with my wife when she found out. Let’s just say I came into my office one morning to find a the page ripped out of a copy of the paper and sitting on my keyboard with a few words I cannot repeat here written in very large blue highlighter across the text, which personally only added to the hilarity of the whole thing. My wife has since forgiven me for this transgression, but in the sake of fairness, I’ve been recording my parts of conversations with my son since he turned three late last year. Below is a list things I’ve said while communicating with my son, and let’s just say, conversations with a three year old are…bananas (but I did add a few in from my wife, too!). Oh, come on! It’s fun!
Me: Get back here with that banana!
Me (son throwing a fit in the car): I don’t know where your helicopter is.
Me (flustered over the amount of ways my son was misbehaving at once): Everything you just did is bad.
Wife: Chris, just so you know, there are two letters (of the alphabet) in the sink.
Wife (to me): There’s an alligator in the toilet.
Wife: We had a meltdown.
Wife: Get that out of your mouth. Get the letter out of our mouth now.
Me: Get back here with that banan!
Me: Don’t throw your letters at me.
Me (to wife): There’s a dinosaur in the toilet.
Me: Get back here with that banana.
Me: You cannot run your Thomas train through your pee.
Me: No, you can’t have it because you keep setting it on fire.
Me: Yes, the salami looks cute on the top of your head.
Me: Don’t eat the Playdough. Eat your toast.
Me: Get back here with that banana!
Me: You don’t look cute. You look naked.
Me: Yes, screw drivers screw in the screws.
Me: Yes, I know the angry, too.
Me (to wife after giving son a whistle): Do not teach him how to use it.
Me (two days later to my son): Yeah, I’m so happy mommy taught you how to use the whistle.
Me: Yes, water is so wet.
Me: Yes, I promise there are more gas meters.
Me: Yes, there is more floor in the house.
Me: No sticks in your mouth.
Me (to my wife): He was very difficult outside today.
My wife: Why?
Me: Well, it all started with a stick.
Me: Get back here with that banana!
Me: Oh, why did you turn that off. I was watching it for the 800th time.
Wife (seeing something I taped to the ceiling for my son): Great, so now there are toys on the ceiling and the floor.
Me: Get back here with that banana!
Me (confirming an assessment made by my son): No, you should not eat the bush.
Me (confirming another wise choice made by my son): No, you shouldn’t taste the tree.
Me: All right, chocolate milk and olives for lunch it is. Sounds amazing!
Me: Get back here with that banana!
Me (on phone with friend): My son is currently eating beef jerky and chocolate chips.
My Friend: Might not be bad.
Me: …
My Friend: Have you ever had steak seasoned with coffee grounds?
(Note: He’s right. If you’ve never had steak seasoned with coffee grounds [un-brewed], you’re missing out. The coffee gives the steak a distinctly rich, chocolaty flavor. It’s delicious.)
Me: Yes, I’ll make you a volcano.
Me: I love you, too.
