Q. I am the primary caregiver to my aging parents, and to be frank, I am exhausted. My mother struggles with some memory loss and my father has COPD, which limits his ability to care for his wife. Since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic, my parents have chosen to stay home. At first, my siblings pitched in to help deliver groceries and called them frequently so they didn’t feel isolated. Months later, my siblings seemed to have forgotten that I am the one shouldering the bulk of care responsibilities. They rarely make an effort to check in with our parents and haven’t asked me how they can help. I feel like I cannot continue to do everything for our parents, while also balancing my own family and work responsibilities. How can I cope?
A. I want to start by saying that I wish I could give you a big hug. It is not easy caring for an aging family member, especially when it’s your parents. While it is an honor to reciprocate the care they once gave to you, it is no easy feat.
You are among the 40.4 million unpaid caregivers to adults over the age of 65. I want to reassure you; you are not alone. In fact, November is National Family Caregivers Month. Its purpose is to address the new realities many family caregivers are facing in light of these uncertain times.
If you are not already part of a family caregiver support group, I highly encourage you to join one this month. Whether it’s through a local church, senior care community, or social media; participating in a support group will give you the resources and encouragement you need on a regular basis.
Next, it’s time you have an open and honest conversation with your siblings. Share how you’ve been feeling. Give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s likely they are unaware of the amount of work it takes to assist your parents.
As you engage in conversation, avoid using accusatory statements. Instead, share how you’ve been feeling. Remind them about how appreciative you were to have their help at the start of the pandemic. Then, give specific examples of how they can help you now. Do you need them to take one chore off your list permanently? Would it help you to have one day off a week or one weekend off a month (or both)? Work with your siblings to create a plan moving forward. Your parents’ care needs are only going to increase with the years, especially if your mom has dementia.
Know there are other resources available to help you shoulder the burden of caregiving. As your parents’ care needs increase, you might want to consider a senior home care company to help support both them and you. This would give you guilt-free time away so you can recharge. Many senior home care companies offer respite care as well. If you need a temporary break, or just want to try home care before committing to weekly visits, this is a great option. It’s also a great option to help prevent caregiver burnout. Asking for help is never selfish, it’s smart.
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