Ahhh, Memorial Day. The summer season is upon us redolent with the fragrance of grilled burgers, flowers blooming, and the grand opening of the Edgewater community pool. This would all be welcome news except for us women of a, well, letâs say, a certain age. In my book, this includes any woman over 35 years old.
The actual shopping and final purchase of a bathing suit is painful enough. Add to that the trying on of the suit itself. This experience, in many cases, requires pharmaceutical intervention. Advil helps but it doesnât compare to the effect of an actual mild tranquilizer often prescribed by many female physicians for their more mature female clientele. According to the DSMV, I believe Bathing Suit Shopping Syndrome ranks right up there with other similar traumas often resulting in a bad case of PTSD.
This long, arduous procedure usually begins around the first of April with the first major decision: should I ask my girlfriend to go shopping with me or go it alone? How will she react when I ask her to stand outside the dressing room with me only peering around the curtain to ask her if the color is right for me? She and I both know intuitively that I wonât be stepping entirely out of the dressing room.
Itâs of vital importance that if I do ask a friend to shop with me, I choose someone I know is kind, sensitive, and not always so truthful. Please donât misunderstand me, thereâs truth, justice, and the American Way, and then thereâs bathing suits.
I have read that some women do take their husbands, lovers, significant others, brothers, or male cousins shopping with them, but I personally know no woman who has attempted this or would admit that to her close girlfriends. Itâs just not a widely accepted practice, unless, of course, youâve recently appeared on TLC or OWN. I donât know any of those women either.
Okay, now that the suit has been purchased, itâs on to the second phase of this yearly ritual: buying the cover-up. The bathing suit cover-up, in most instances, is by far the most important step. This garment has to be not only colorful and cute but cover a wide range of body challenges. The cover-up has to be long enough to cover the knees but not too long, as the woman doesnât want to trip on it. The fabric must be light, airy, and billowy. After all, the woman might be wearing it the entire time sheâs poolside on a 90-degree day.
Stay with me, as Iâm almost finished. It goes without saying that she needs a cute pair of sandals to match the cover-up. These should be snappy, and the heel needs to be appropriate, as thereâs that tripping thing again. A darling sun hat, sunglasses, lounge towel, and a really smart tote bag round out the ensemble.
The final step is a good pedicure for those winter-weary toes.
If youâre good at math, you soon realize that you could have put that sunroom addition on youâve been wanting since you bought the house for the price of attire for just this one short season.
At any rate, itâs a sunny 80-degree day, and what better way to spend it than at the pool. On goes the suit, the cover up, sandals, hat, sunglasses, tote bag, and those freshly-painted toenails.
Now every woman knows that she doesnât actually swim but does the âgranny dip,â as it is known around Edgewater. This involves shedding the cover-up before too many people arrive and quickly getting into the pool. The dip itself consists of pulling slightly on the top of the aforementioned bathing suit and splashing cool refreshing water into the bodice area. All the ladies exclaim how wonderful this feels and how very fortunate we are to live in this beautiful country club-like setting. We should be home dusting and cooking, but why waste this rare and perfect day? Shopping and coordinating this entire ensemble was exhausting, and we need this respite.
âHey Grandma, watch me swim.â Splash, splash!
âKids, donât get my hair wet!â
Itâs the universal granny lament.
