What defines a man? Is it a full beard, or a sculpted physique? Being able to survive in the wild? A Camaro? The type of scotch he drinks?
How about the type of lip balm he uses?
If you’re like me, when you start laughing out loud by yourself in a public place, you try to suppress it right away before people start to think you’re insane.
Yet, there I found myself in the Walmart checkout lane last week looking like an extra from “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.” The object of my bemusement? There, boldly postured among wimpy chocolate bars and the apparently feminine Chap Stick was Chap Fix, a new lip balm “engineered for men.”
With its flat design, Chap Fix looks more like a lighter than a tube of ordinary, girly lip balm. I think this was done on purpose so that embarrassed guys caught using it could pretend it was a lighter if anyone asked.
The Chap Fix website says it “lays flat in your pocket, so there’s no bulge.” If ’80s rock stars have taught us anything, I think Chap Stick missed the boat here and should have made a bulge as big as possible.
Chap Fix also features edges with grips so that men can delicately coat their lips with the balm – I mean – apply the balm to cracked lips while speeding in a snowmobile through the arctic tundra.
Before I ramble on and craft an entire column on lip balm, let me state my thesis here: Chap Fix is just the latest example of the absurd ways marketers target young men.
I’m fascinated by how advertising affects our psyches, but when I really think about a commercial – that is when I don’t skip over it on my DVR or tune it out – I’m often left with more questions than answers.
Why do pickup trucks have to tow a space shuttle or a heavy trailer up a spiral ramp with flames shooting at it? (Yes, that last one was a real ad.) Does the average construction worker need all that?
Furthermore, is there one director who does all the truck commercials? My theory is his main passion is horror movies, because the trucks are always going through torturous trials. I’ve seen an ad where a truck is nearly being pulled apart by heavy metal chains. I thought it was a preview for the latest “Saw” sequel.
What kind of men do beer advertisers want us to be? Frankly, I think the stereotypes of men as sports-obsessed 14-year-olds in 30-something bodies as shown in Bud Light and Miller ads is borderline offensive. I would much rather prefer to be “The Most Interesting Man in the World” from Dos Equis ads if those weren’t just as stupid.
One tactic I’m ashamed to admit has worked on me is the labeling of hygiene products as “for men.” I can’t have soap that smells girly, after all! I do wonder how far this trend will go, though. Is manly toothpaste just around the corner? What will that even taste like? How about toilet paper for men? Nail polish?
We’re already there, my friends. If you’re looking for a laugh, search for “Alpha Nail” in Google.
With that said, I’d like to offer a high-five to the marketing mad men out there. I believe they’ve reached the pinnacle of male marketing. Nothing is left to be done. No market left untapped.
Now is the time for advertisers to brave the next great frontier. And I’m just the man to lead us there. Though my idea is brilliant and worth billions, I’m willing to share it here:
Pickup trucks for women. How about Fem-Ale beer? Or Girl Power tools?
