Finding your furniture a step ahead of the vultures

I knew you could be arrested for a lot of things, but I was surprised to learn that you could be hauled in for your taste in interior decorating.

That’s what happened to Devan Rewis of Chokoloskee, Fla., when Collier County deputies answered a domestic dispute call at his address in May and allegedly found a legless alligator on his front lawn.

Now, standard equipment for a normal alligator is usually four legs. By coincidence, there were four freshly-lopped alligator legs chilling in the freezer inside the Rewis house, not far from where the legless alligator lay.

When asked about the happenstance, Rewis could have played it coy. He could have said, “Huh! What are the odds of a coincidence like that happening?” But he didn’t. He explained to the cops that he had found the gator dead along U.S. 41, brought it home, and dismembered it on his lawn because he thought it would be cool to have a table with alligator legs.

It’s not clear why Collier County deputies were called to the Rewis home in the first place. Maybe his wife had asked him for some alligator shoes, and when he returned home with the gator, she saw that this one wasn’t wearing any shoes. You can see how that would disappoint a fashion-conscious Chokoloskee girl, can’t you?

Or maybe the neighbors called the cops to investigate why a fine spray of gator slurry was spattering their windows as a circular saw buzzed next door in the Rewis yard. Who knows?

In any case, the Collier County cops figured that road-kill decor was out of their jurisdiction. They turned the matter over to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation department. By the time those officers arrived on the scene, the gator was gone.

Now, Rewis could have played this one coy, too. He could have said, “Huh! It was there just a few minutes ago. Maybe a gator got the gator.” But he didn’t. He explained to the FWC officers that he had returned the carcass to U.S. 41 where he had found it, and dumped it alongside the road.

Well, all except the four legs. They were still in the freezer. He apparently hadn’t yet figured out what kind of top he wanted for the table. He was probably waiting for a porpoise or manatee to float up on the shore.

The Conservation cops charged him with a felony anyway. Even though Rewis says he didn’t shoot or trap the gator, the officers reported that it wasn’t legally harvested. The legs — and the saw — were confiscated as evidence.

Still, you have to sympathize with Rewis, don’t you? I mean, here he is, driving down the road, when he sees the perfect piece of furniture lying dead in the ditch. His man cave was probably just crying out for the ideal accent piece to hold up his beer and nachos as he kicked back to watch NASCAR or football on Sunday afternoons. That gator wasn’t going to be traveling on those legs anymore anyway, so what’s the harm in hauling the carcass home and unhinging it on the lawn? And maybe even lopping off a few steaks in the process? Besides, when you think about it, gator legs on a table have got to be tremendously spill-resistant.

I can see the FWC commission’s point, of course. You can’t have interior-decorating cowboys cruising the Everglades looking to accessorize their TV rooms with a .357 magnum, can you?

But according to Rewis, that’s not how it happened. It was just a case of the road-kill decor gods shining a bit of good fortune on him as he drove home one day.

Even though the de-legging took place in May, Rewis wasn’t arrested until last week when the FWC charges were filed, so there’s no telling which way his case will go.

For my money, I hope they clear him of all charges, give him back his gator legs, and help him figure out what kind of table top to attach them to. Maybe help him find a dead turtle that he can turn into a drawer.

In the meantime, I think I’ll wait to see how it all turns out before finishing that pelican toothbrush holder I’ve been working on in the garage.

• Author, musician, and storyteller TR Kerth is a retired teacher who has lived in Sun City Huntley since 2003. Con¬tact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Can’t wait for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Then get TR’s book, “Revenge of the Sardines,” available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online book distributors.

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